“Star Combat: Trek vs. Wars”

I’m not your typical nerd, because I like both Star Wars and Star Trek equally. I know to some of you that is sacrilegious, and I may even get my ass kicked by a nerd gang favoring one side or the other, but I’m willing to take my chances.

I thought it would be fun to compare the two, at least on issues I find important, to see who has a leg up on the other.

“O Captain! My Captain!”

Han Solo vs. Captain James T. Kirk/Captain Jean-Luc Picard

I’ve included both Kirk and Picard because I know there is some kind of internal struggle between you Trekkies as to who is the best, so I figured I would fair to both sides and give you Kirk/Picard fanboys a choice.

Who would I want as my Captain, who do I think would do the best job piloting my ship and telling me what to do?

Honestly I think Solo and Kirk would both be too concerned with nailing all the alien babes we came across to adequately get the job done, so for me I would have to choose Picard.

Winner: Star Trek (Picard)

“A Furries Wet Dream”

Chewbacca/Ewoks vs. Tribbles

Really, is there any doubt who wins here?

The Tribbles are nothing more than bad toupees.

I can just imagine that their leader is some kind of alien Donald Trump, who sends them out to steal all the Rogaine and hairbrushes from the people of space…because if he’s going to have a bad hair day, than so is everyone else.

Now the winner between Chewie and the Ewoks, well if it was a fair fight I would say Chewie, but we all know those little Ewok bastards will gang up on him and kick his ass, so I would have to say the Ewoks.

Winner: Star Wars (Ewoks)

“Sweet Space Rides”

Millennium Falcon vs. Starship Enterprise

This is another tough one, because either one would impress the ladies.

I think if you were spotted in either or when you came across some space chicks you would have no problem docking your space shuttle in their landing bay, if you know what I mean.

So in this case I would have to go by which one I think would be the least problematic and more reliable, so with that said I’m going with the Enterprise.

Winner: Star Trek

“Nice Piece of Space Ass”

Slave Leia/Padme Amidala vs. Seven of Nine/Deanna Troi

Honestly I wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed…and a mother, daughter team…does it get any better.

So needless to say this one is a tie, both Wars and Trek have some nice pieces of space ass.

Winner: Tie

“Confucius Wannabes”

Yoda vs. Spock

Well they both have pointy ears and bad haircuts, so besides the whole green skin thing, they could pass for a father and son.

With them both of them constantly correcting everyone, and always telling us what to do, I would have to say that both would be as annoying as heck.

I guess I would go with Spock, because unless he sneaks up behind me and gives me a Vulcan neck pinch, I really believe I could kick his ass if he gets out of hand.

Yoda on the other hand is a total badass and would serve me up on a platter without fail.

Winner: Star Trek  

   

“Would You Please Stop Saying That?”

Use the Force vs. Live Long and Prosper

I don’t know about you, but to me, “use the force” sounds like something you would hear at college frat house during a drinking game, or even something your girlfriend would say during the nasty.

Now remember we are not talking about which one is better overall, because in all reality when it comes time to kick some ass I would rather have the force over some Vulcan gang sign and hippie nonsense.

So which one is the least annoying to me, which one would I mind hearing a few more times before I ripped my ears off, probably live long and prosper.

Winner: Star Trek

“Deathbringers”

Lightsabers vs. Phasers

We can all agree that phasers suck, and most of the time they are set to stun anyway, so not really all that deadly.

Now lightsabers on the other hand are badass, they can block the shots from the phasers and chop suey them right in half making them nothing more then bookends.

So all in all I would have to say this is an easy one, lightsabers for the win.

Winner: Star Wars

“Ultimate Badass”

Darth Vader vs. Kahn

Kahn is a shot caller; while Vader on the other hand is only following orders, does that make him any less of a badass, not at all.

My only problem with Vader is that he’s too wishy washy, one minute he’s trying to take over the galaxy, and then the next, he’s trying to play father knows best.

I guess with all his attachment issue aside, he is still one total badass, so I would have to say that Kahn and Vader are both straight up evil pimps, so this one is a tie.

Winner: Tie

“Most Dangerous Crew”

Stormtroopers vs. Klingons

Stormtroopers, they’re all clones, so you find one’s weakness and you found them all. This is not a good thing when you’re fighting for the title of most dangerous crew.

Now Klingons are straight up warriors, these fools fight just for sport, they probably even fight in their sleep.

I would have to go with the Klingons right here, because I want my crew to be ass kickers, not boot lickers.

Winner: Star Trek

The results are in...and the winner of the battle royale is…

Star Trek

“Star Wars; the Good Die Young”

My biggest complaint with the Star Wars franchise, strictly speaking from a movie standpoint, is that all the cool characters die quick and crappy deaths (i.e. Darth Maul and Boba Fett), while the really annoying characters seem to last forever (i.e. Jar Jar Binks).

I’m sure we can all agree that Darth Vader (Mr. Vader if you’re nasty) was an awesome baddie, as far as I’m concerned one of the all-time best. So us Star Wars fans didn’t really have our hopes set too high for episodes I, II and III when it came to a new villain, I mean because who could possibly top Vader.

Then along came Darth Maul, a total badass in his own right and a worthy successor to the throne of evil. He had the look, the attitude and of course not one, but two lightsabers…does it get any better then that.

Unfortunately one movie was all this stud got, and then died in a fashion that resembled something you would see in a Friday the 13th movie, split in two, come one people what were you thinking the man deserved better than that.

They tried to outdo Darth Maul with that General Grievous fella, but if you ask me it wasn’t even close. They should just have left well enough alone and let Darth Maul live on and continue to kick Jedi tail all across the universe…but no that would make way too much sense for Hollywood. 

I just wish Darth Maul would have lasted all three movies; he was the best antagonist in the new films, hands down. I mean c'mon on it's almost impossible to find someone as badass as Vader, and when they do they cut him short (pardon the pun).

Next we have the original bounty hunter, the one who made bounty hunting cool in the first place, way before Dog and with a whole lot less prayers and mullets, the man himself Boba Fett.

This man set the stage for people like Samus Aran, and if you don’t know who she is you outta be ashamed of yourself, because without him Samus would have been an intergalactic pizza delivery girl.

Fett kept it real, he didn’t need to tell people how bad he was, he showed it with his actions, and his guns and cool jetpack. He made sure he was dressed to kill, he wanted to look good when he was rounding up those bail jumpers.

When someone needed a bounty hunted they knew who to call, and no, it wasn’t the Ghostbusters, but rather the Fettmeister, the bounty hunter supreme.

Boba Fett pure awesomeness, he was the best thing since sliced astronaut ice cream, that is until he became the desert’s dessert. What a crappy ending for such a great character, he did not deserve to go out the way he did...he's like Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect.

They tried to make up for it by bringing in Jango Fett, but it just wasn’t the same, it lacked a certain something. It’s like when a band tries to remake a hit song, sure it’s the same song, but by no way is it just as good as the original. 

Another character that was undersold was Slave Leia, sure they didn’t kill her off, but they did make her put on more clothes…so not cool. I’ve played with my lightsaber on more than one occasion while fantasizing about her, I would have loved to use the force on her.

Okay enough complaining from me, it’s time for me to blastoff, until next time peeps…warp speed, Mr. Sulu. Sorry, I know that last line was sacrilegious to all those Star Warsians out there in cyberspace, but I just couldn’t resist.

MJM

“The Who Could Beat Who Game”

When we were kids we would play the “who could beat who” game, mostly involving superheroes and/or action film stars, some of the more popular bouts were Superman vs. the Incredible Hulk and Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee just to name a few.

We would all plead our case as to why our choice was the more dominant one, and how he/she would kick their opponent’s ass with ease and come out victorious. Some of the battles would get a little heated, especially if one of participants was a fanboy/girl of one of the hypothetical contestants.

This game was actually a lot of fun and kept us entertained for hours, but unfortunately it just up and vanished as time went by. As we get older we are supposed to mature, we are supposed to stop playing stupid games like this and do grownup things like work and pay bills...yucky.

I say get the funk out of here, let’s enjoy childish things, and in the famous words of Michael Buffer, “Let’s get ready to rumble”!  I’m going to throw some matches out to you, and tell you why my choice will win; and you can feel free to add your two cents into the mix but just remember my choice is the only choice.

Here we go…

 

Match #1:

Handi-Man (In Living Color) vs. The Greatest American Hero

Alright this one is easy, everyone knows you do not hit the handicap, so hands down the winner is Handi-Man.

Match #2:

Star Wars fans vs. Star Trek fans (aka Trekkies)

This one is tough, and honestly could go either way, but I do believe that for the most part Star Wars fans are more masculine, so I would have to say that Star Wars fans would win…but only by a narrow margin.

Match #3:

Democrats vs. Republicans

I would have to say that the Republicans would win this bout, hands down. They have all the guns and are not afraid to attack first and ask questions later, just check out the mainstream media if you don’t believe me.

Match #4:

Jesus Christ vs. Allah

Now this is a toughie, because we all know extremist on either side can really throw down and leave a lot of dead bodies in their path. So I guess it all comes down to what Jesus and Allah show up, if it’s the “you have what we want” Jesus and Allah then it for sure will be an all-out war and can go either way, but if it’s the peace and love Jesus and Allah that show up then we’re in for a really boring match.  

Match #5:

Christina Hendricks (Mad Men) vs. Kat Dennings (2 Broke Girls)

Who cares who will win this one…I just know it would be really fun to watch. I say for this fight we bust out the baby oil and have it take place on a trampoline, any objections?

Okay, this is more of a wet dream rather than a prize fight, but what can I say, I’m a man. I know some women who are reading this probably think I’m being sexiest with this match, so for you non-lesbian women feel free to substitute any two hot dudes in place of Christina and Kat…and of course the stipulations would remain the same, so have at it.

 

Well there you go, there are the matches, check them out and let me know what you think.

MJM

“Where Have All the Arcades Gone”

No this isn’t a new song by Paula Cole…she’s still wondering where all the cowboys went…well at least I think she is, I haven’t really heard much from her lately.

Anyway…picture it, Sicily...oh sorry wrong picture it. Actually it was New Jersey during the 80's, but Sicily sounded so much better.

Okay, picture it New Jersey…

Arcades were the place to be, gamers actually get together to play games and hangout…there was real psychical contact between the players and not just an invite to join a multiplayer match and/or a notification that he/she was online.

We played together and against each other, the whole time never teabagging one another and/or shooting up the place because we lost at a game. There was lots of competition, trash talking and momma jokes but when all was said and done we were still all friends.

We didn’t need headphone and mics to play multiplayer, because the people we were playing with were right next to us…I know that’s a scary thought for you “life noobs” out there, but trust me it’s wasn’t that bad. We caould laugh at what people said with having to say LOL and we could step away without having to say BRB.

Back then we didn't have the technology we do today when it came to home gaming, not that our systems weren’t great for the time, but for the most part when it came to graphics you couldn’t tell the difference between an enemy and a bush and as far as gameplay was concerned it was all about timing nothing more.

If we wanted to play the latest games with the best graphics you had to head to the local arcade with a pocket full of quarters and a handful of Pixy Stix (because there was no such thing as energy drinks back then).

I know with today's technology it's hard for arcades to compete, but they were a lot of fun and an incredible experience. It’s unfortunate that most so-called arcades of today have full grown adults running around in costumes serving pizza to kids and/or they have like three machines (two of which are Pac-man and Ms. Pac-man) that they try to pass off as an arcade…what a shame.

Now I know that there are a few places around where you could go to get your gaming fix, but for the most part they are just a not what they used to be, they are a pale shadow of their former selves, nothing like they were back in their glory days. Kids today heard of them but never really seen one just like the dinosaurs, fresh air and girlfriends.

There was glam rock playing in the background, the stench of hairspray and Old Spice in the air and jean jackets and mullets all over the place, but boy was it a blast. What a pity that you gits of today will never experience the phenomenon known as the arcade, you have no idea what you’re missing out on.

MJM

"Walkthroughs, Strategy Guides and/or Any Other Means of Help…"

Am I the only one who doesn't like to use walkthroughs, strategy guides and/or any other means of so-called help (**cough** cheating **cough**) when playing video games? Playing video games using methods such as these is like being a professional wrestler, sure you’re in the match but when all is said and done did you really accomplish anything worthwhile…besides manhandling another sweaty dude in his underwear.

Now I'm talking about on my first play through, the second time around, have at it and cheat like Tiger Woods did on his wife...or like the Republicans did in the 2000 election. I kid Republicans; I really love you, so please don't axe me...or leave me hanging like a chad!

I just like to play and beat the game on my own; it feels like I actually accomplished something when I do. I know there are people who claim it enhances the overall experience, and to those people I would say bull donkey (sorry for the profanities) you are just lazy, impatience and a girlyman (I can be pretty scrappy when I’m behind a keyboard).

I just never saw the reason, it's kind of like reading the book then seeing the movie...there's just no point. Honestly I don’t get the whole “reading” thing in the first place…not when there’s perfectly good movies out there…but to each their own I guess.

If you don’t want to play the game the way it was intended to be played, then why don’t you just watch someone else play from the sidelines…you can be the waterboy and/or even the cheering section. Think about it, it would be like watching a movie…you could have your bucket of butter-drenched popcorn in your lap and a super double gulp Mountain Dew by your side while you watch all the fun play out, and you wouldn’t even have to worry about getting the controller all greasy.

I'm not trying to condemn anyone who prefers this method, it's just not for me...so please don't hate me for my opinion…or beat me up. As far as I’m concerned playing this way is like an unsharpened pencil…it’s pointless.

Another thing, the games of today award players achievements/trophies when they do something special in the game (for the most part anyway), so by using a guide and/or some other form of cheat kind of makes me feel like Milli Vanilli...or better yet Mark McGwire. Now I know people would be none the wiser when they checked out my achievements/trophies lists…but I would know and that’s all that matters.

MJM

“Video Games…the Superior Form of Entertainment”

Video games…the superior form of entertainment…and this is coming from an unbiased diehard hardcore gamer…so you better listen up and take notes people.

I personally enjoy a good video game to a good book/movie most of the time…and I know I can’t be alone in this.

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy a good movie/book every now and then but when it comes right down to it I would rather be playing video games in my down time than watching a movie or reading a book.

There's nothing like playing a good video game, and I'm not talking about games like Pong (even though Pong does rock), I'm talking about "AAA" titles such as Skyrim, The Last of Us and Bioshock Infinite. These games and many others will hook you in like as if you were a largemouth bass and they were a tasty little worm dancing on the end of a fisherman’s hook.

They will take over your life and make you their bitch…they are the drug and you are the addict…is it a healthy lifestyle, probably not…but what the heck you only live once. Forget marihuana, video games are the gateway dru....I mean medium…once you try them you’ll be serving them as your lord and master.

It's like a book and movie rolled into one, you get the visual appeal and the excitement of a movie and you get transcended into the games virtual world like you would if you were reading a book…what more can you ask for.

People also get deeply involved with their video games and emotionally attached just like as if they were a significant other, granted this relationship is more of one that you would see on an episode of COPS or Jerry Springer, but nevertheless it’s the truth.

You just don’t see people yelling and/or screaming at a book/movie and throwing it against the wall out of frustration like they do with video games. Now I’m not saying it wouldn’t be funny to see someone nerd rage over a Harry Potter book…but in all realty I just don’t see that happening. Readers are like hippies and gamers are like cavemen.

Of course there are times when I feel like sitting back and watching a good movie, full of action and hot actresses with huge weapons of mass distraction (and no I don’t mean pornos) just like any other red blooded American male…but the majority of the time I would rather be sitting on the couch with the controller in my hand killing some zombies or saving princesses.

To me a long movie can be torture, especially if it doesn’t have superheroes and/or lots of explosions in it, but I can play a video game for hours without even blinking an eye and/or getting up to drain the lizard or drop off the kids at the pool.

If movie theaters were smart they would drop the movies and start letting people play video games on those big screens…they would make a killing. They would also have to change up the food at the concession stands, forget popcorn and Milk Duds, we want stuff like Purplesaurus Rex, Blue Razz Berry Blow Pops and S'mores Pop Tarts…at least I do.

Now when it comes to books…to be honest, unless they have pictures (preferably of the nudey kind) I would rather pass. I’m not hating on books or anything…you won’t find me burning any of them on my front lawn…I just don’t have the patience for them and their words…thinking they’re better than me just because they can use words over five letters and crap.

So it goes without saying that books aren’t really my thing…now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I have never read one that I enjoyed, but for the most part I would probably have more fun if I used the pages to make paper airplanes and fortune tellers.  

If you’ve never tried playing video games…and I mean seriously playing video games, not just playing Farmville and/or Mafia Wars on Facebook and/or some game on your cell phone…then you don’t know what you’re missing. You are missing out on a lot of fun and you should really be ashamed of yourself (how’s the virtual peer pressure working on you).

I know it sounds crazy but what can I say, I'm a few eggs short of a dozen....as we all know.

MJM

“My Favorite Console of This Generation is…”

I have a lot of people asking me now that this generation of consoles is coming to an end, which one was my personal favorite…well okay no one really asked me that…I just figured I would tell you anyway.

I’ve been a Nintendo fan from day one…even held out on buying a Playstation one and two (when they were the cool things to have) just to support the big N and their N64 and Gamecube. Link, Mario, Samus…I loved them all…I even used to dream about being Mr. Aran (of course I would take her last name because she can kick my ass) when I grew up.

Then along came the Wii…a lot of fun at first…but shortly after my hundredth game of bowling it kind of got old and stale…like what happens to a fruitcake after Christmas. I don’t know…it may be because I’m lazy…but the whole motion control gaming thing was a novelty that way over stayed its welcome…and even in some case made a game that should be fun and relaxing a whole lot more work than necessary.

Now I’m not hating on the Wii or anything like that…it had its moments and its fair share of good games…but needless to say it wasn’t my favorite console from this generation.

Next console to be voted off of cyber island would have to be the Xbox 360. Just like with the Wii…I didn’t hate the 360 but it did leave little to be desired…at least for me anyway. Its exclusive didn’t really do anything for me…at least not their “AAA” exclusives like Halo, Fable and Gears of War…they were fun and all but just not my cup of tea.

Gears of War felt as if I was playing as the jocks that used to beat me…or um I mean the nerds up back in school. I spent more time letting the enemies kill me just so I could watch those ‘roid heads die. I know that sounds sadistic and even borderline nuts…but what can I say, I just looked at it like reverse cyber bullying with me on the giving end of a serious butt kicking.

Halo…not a bad game per se…I mean the single player campaign was decent…but the multiplayer component made me want to smash my face with a hot iron then soak it in alcohol. I know some would say just don’t play online…but then you’re missing out on all the fun…or so I thought.

When playing online I get smoked like a cigar all the time…and not because I suck…well okay it is partly because I suck but the other part is because people are bouncing around all over the place like as if they were in one of those bouncy houses at a kids birthday party.

I didn’t like those stupid things when I was a kid (because I was never invited to anyone’s party who had one…or anyone’s party who didn’t have one for that matter)…so why would I want to play in one now…especially with weapons blasting and people who are trying to kill me dead.

Then of course when I “make my team lose” I get cussed out by people who sound like they just sucked the helium out of a balloon…oh so much fun. What kind of sadist am I, to pay for people to freak out on me and tell me that I am a loser…I can get that for free just by going over to my parents’ house.

Now for Fable…well my momma used to tell me if I can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all…so onto my number one…

Which of course, due to the process of elimination is obviously OnLive…what a true diamond in the rough…what a real hidden treasure…what an honest to goodness piece of poop.  What a joke of a system that was…now I don’t know whose bright idea that was, but they should be beaten with a wiffleball bat.

My number one is the PS3 of course…my only real friend…it’s such a head ripping off shocking trash people alien shooting good time. I had a blast with the PS3…so many great memories, fun times and off the chain nerd rages. Honestly if it was possible to marry an inanimate object I would so become one with the PS3…I think she has a hot disk slot huh huh.

I loved Sony’s exclusives this generation…they were lots of fun and very entertaining…even if some of them were ideas taken from Nintendo games. They made sure to have all their bases covered; there was a little bit of everything for everyone, from action adventures to RPGs...they did their best to not leave anyone feeling neglected.

I also enjoyed the cast of characters that showed up in these games…I thought they were interesting and a blast to play…very memorable and unique in their own way. Sony’s character lineup is second only to Nintendo’s in my book…and with each passing generation they’re getting closer and closer to being my new number one.

I am also a fan of their hardware; the operating system is very easy to use and straightforward, I don’t know maybe it’s because I’m old and my senses aren’t what they used to be, but I enjoyed it. The controller is my favorite of this generation mainly because it hasn’t really changed all that much since it first came into the game…which again, is great for old timers such as myself.

Well there you go people…my number one…so what do you think?

MJM