“The good,
the bad and the ugly: The truths about suicide from the man inside.”
For this
piece I am stepping out from behind the clown mask. I am hoping to do more here
than share a laugh or deliver an opinion piece. I am putting humor aside to
talk about something very important; about something that is affecting many
people in this world of ours and has been for many ticks of the clock. The
young and old, the rich and poor, the black and white, none of it matters
because this monster doesn’t discriminate, anyone can be a victim.
I want to
talk about suicide. I want to share my personal battle with it and how at one
time I thought it was the only way out. I thought it was the only way to
silence the demons that were relentlessly attacking and poisoning my soul with
never-ending self-doubt and vicious lies about my reality, every day trying to
destroy the foundation that was my life.
I hope to
show others in a similar situation that when they feel they are at their lowest
and at their breaking point, they are not alone and that there is help
available. There are ways to relieve the weight that burdens your shoulders,
but it’s not in a drug or drink, nor is it with you lying on your back six feet
under with a face full of dirt.
Suicide
stalks its prey like a highly skilled assassin, ever so silently and with
deadly precision, and if you're not cautious, you or a loved one could be its
next target.
“Just
because someone is smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean they aren't hurting on
the inside.”
Part 1:
Understanding Better and Avoiding Misconceptions
“Completing
the puzzle”
There are
many “urban legends”, many stigmas and many untruths about suicide and mental
health in general. Here are a few, yet inaccurate, outlooks that most people
have when this topic comes up.
Crazy…
People
think you are crazy, deranged and even dangerous. People who are suicidal are not crazy! You
will not find them talking to themselves, eating their checkers or in a padded
room wearing a straitjacket, it is actually quite the opposite. They are smart,
funny and dedicated. They are creative, successful and honest. I know this is
sounding like a personal ad, but it’s the truth. They are just like everyone
else, only difference is that they are fighting a war inside themselves and
they are desperate for a truce.
This war
can be started many ways, there is no “one size fits all” here. Don’t perform
an autopsy on someone’s life to figure out what caused the friction; just
understand that something is array and making a mess of their life. Also, when
the culprit of the chaos is reveled, whether it is in confidence or stumbled
upon, don’t belittle, judge and/or pile on, regardless of your thoughts on the
issue. What may not seem like a big deal to you could crush someone else, even
pushing them further down death row.
Attention
Seeker…
You are
just looking for attention. You’re throwing a pity party and you’re the guest
of honor. You know that you’re not to be negative, your glass is always
supposed to be "half full" because that’s the politically correct way
to think. You’re not to fall down and stay down, you’re to pick yourself up and
have a feel-good “Rocky” moment where you kick ass and take names. Anything
else makes you inferior to the masses, or at least that’s how you’re told to
see it. Sometimes a motivational poster (hang in there kitty), a clever
metaphor or even powerful speech just aren’t enough to help one make it through
the dark forest they are trying to escape, the big bad wolf is just too
powerful of an adversary.
Glutton for
Punishment…
You’re
doing it to yourself, the problem isn’t all that serious and you’re making a
mountain out of a molehill. We all know the expression, "don't judge a
book by its cover". The reason we shouldn’t is that until we read the
pages of that said book we don't really know what it’s about. Those pages may
comprise unspeakable horrors, soul crushing pain and severe hardships. The
cover may be all rainbows and unicorns and the pages dark and depressing, and
you'll never know unless you move past what's on the surface. Don’t discount
someone due to superficial reasons; if you do, it could lead to dire
consequences.
That’s just
Life…
We all face
anxiety/depression regularly, you need to toughen up and learn to deal with it.
There are some who don’t believe depression is real, that it’s something made
up like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and they have no problem voicing their
misinformed opinion regardless of who is in earshot. Trust me it’s real and
very dangerous, and not something to be taken lightly. Think before you speak
because the words that come out of your mouth may be why someone can’t/won’t
open up to you and potentially the reason they feel they have no hope. Sticks
and stones will break bones, but no matter what they say, words can, and will
hurt you too. Poorly chosen words can fall like salt into an exposed wound to
someone who is hurting internally, and you will do yourself a great service to
remember that.
“Don’t
assume that others know how you feel about them, make it known.”
Time…
The adage,
"time heals all wounds" may be true for some, but it is not true for
everyone. We’re not all the same and you’d be wise to remember that. To quote
the Diff'rent Strokes theme song, "Now, the world don't move to the beat
of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some".
More accurate words have never been spoken, and if someone tells you otherwise,
let them have a, "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis”?
No one may
tell you how long you should, or shouldn't grieve, regardless of the
circumstances. Some personalities stew over their plights; it’s just how they
were made. They let them slowly cook like a meal in a crock-pot and by doing
this; their internal temperature rises and things eventually boil over leaving
nothing more than a hot mess. Without help and/or a healthy way to release this
pressure these individuals could find themselves in dire straits. The
aforementioned “time” that is supposed to heal all wounds becomes a catalyst
for disaster and ends up doing more harm than good. Moral of the story, don’t
assume that the way you handle stress is the only and proper way of doing so,
because those assumptions could be very costly to you in the end.
Who has it
Worst…
“There’s always
someone who has it worse” is a statement I have heard thrown around many times
as an attempt to “help” someone realize that their burden isn’t all that bad in
the grand scheme of things. Now this may well be the case and to some this may
even be helpful advice, but to those with depression this knowledge does little
to ease the anguish that haunts their spirit, it diminishes their pain and adds
more fuel to the already raging fires. Be mindful with what you say and to whom
you say it to because your attempt to help may cause your outstretched hand
becoming a clinched fist.
Weakness…
For those
of you who think suicide is a sign of weakness, something that only a coward
would do and/or something that only affects the most desolate of people, you've
got a lot to learn. I am thankful that you've never had to endure the deadly
sting that is depression and hopefully you never will. Don’t be foolish,
because trust me this can happen to anyone, no matter who you are and/or where
you are at in your life.
Selfish…
Some also
say suicide is selfish, which may well be the case to those who’ve lost, but
when someone feels lonely and abandoned who exactly are they being selfish to;
at least that’s how they see it. Consider this, in their mind your loss is
their gain, makes sense? This is not about selfishness, it’s about desperation.
The list
goes on. There are many of these beliefs floating around in our society,
whether by fear or just pure ignorance, it doesn’t matter because if we allow
these fallacies to remain unchecked and unchallenged we will find ourselves at
more funerals than we are at celebrations.
“For those
who are depressed a smile is a scar, an unfortunate blemish on their body for
the world to see but something they are ashamed of, it makes for pretty
wrapping on the present hoping to hide the contents.”
Part 2:
Suicidal
“When the
wrong feels right”
"God,
should I come home now?” is a question I have asked myself many times before,
and I’m sure I’m not alone.
We’ve all
had times where we felt as if the world was against us. As if everyone was
screaming our name, and not like an adoring fan would scream the name of their
favorite rockstar, but rather like the way a bloodthirsty mob would scream for
your head as you were about to be hung. All you want to do is run and hide, but
no matter where you go the voices just won’t stop. A silence so loud that it is
deafening, speaks to you in a whispers and keeps you questioning your own
existence.
On the
outside it is bright and sunny. No one could tell from looking at you that
something was wrong. However, on the inside it is dark and gloomy, your mental
state is not well and your life is on the edge of devastation. You don’t know
what to do. You’re like that whimsical cookie jar that sits on the counter, on
the surface you seem all together, complete and even at times upbeat. Although
the truth of it is that on the inside you are emotionally disheveled, scattered
and spiritually broken into little pieces.
You’re like
a plane flying into a storm but reporting back to the tower that all is well,
nothing but blue skies and clear sailing, when the truth of it is, that the
whole flight has been nothing but turbulence. You want so badly to shout out to
the world how tortured you are, but at the same time you don’t want to be
perceived as weak and/or any less of a person by doing so, and as a result you
hold it all in. Because of this decision the pain stews inside of you, making a
mess of things both emotionally and mentally, leaving you a total wreck,
spiritually shattered and intoxicated by misery and despair.
“Walking a
fine line…the razor’s edge”
You're not
Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis, or Meryl Streep but "death becomes you".
Your reason for being is only to find a way to end it all; sadly your life is
all about death. You dream of dying like most people dream of living. You want
to be alone but you don't want to be lonely. While most people are anticipating
opening night, you're planning your curtain call. The monster you once feared
as a child who hid in the darkness, now resides in your head and doesn’t
disappear when the lights are turned on. While most are aggressively waiving
their battle flag, you’re flying the white flag. Sadness surrounds you like a
cocoon, and unfortunately doesn’t open to reveal a beautiful butterfly but
rather a beaten, withered and tattered soul.
How can you
stop the sadness? How can you find peace? Is there a way out or are you
destined to go through life depressed and constantly fighting for the happiness
and comfort that seems to come so easily to those around you? You contemplate
suicide. You start thinking that with your dying breath the pain will cease and
you will be comfortably at rest and in your own skin.
Your
absence wouldn’t matter to anyone because they didn’t care when you were alive
so why in death would things be any different? What would be the right time?
How would you do it? Should you leave a note? These are just some things that
cross your mind as you think about moving forward with your ill-fated plan, as
you consider the best way to execute your personal mission for mental stability
and closure on the agony that is your being.
You can’t
believe your loved ones don’t notice that something isn’t right with you. They
aren’t aware that your life is in shambles and that you do not understand how
to fix it. This makes you feel damaged, lonely and desperate for a way out.
Yet you put
on an Oscar worthy performance to make sure people don’t find out what’s going
on. Doing all you can to put your best foot forward to keep your deadly secret
hidden within the confines of your soul. You are torn, you feel as if all the
clues are there to help them solve the unfortunate case that is your life, but
in all reality you have orchestrated a crime so masterfully that even CSI
couldn’t solve it. This is absolutely a no-win situation and cannot end well
for anyone involved.
Being
suicidal isn't about wanting to die, it's about being afraid to live.
“Admitting
that you need help isn’t a sign of weakness, actually it shows tremendous
strength, especially when holding it in could mean death.”
Part 3: Proceed
with Caution: See the Forest through the Trees
“Living
with untreated depression is like taking permanent residence on death row”
Life is
hard and unforgiving and if you let your guard down for too long it will
swallow you up and drag you down to the depths of hell. I know it’s not all
doom and gloom, but the truth of the matter is this, life is not all that kind
and will tear you apart if you don’t prepare accordingly.
Your mind
is extremely powerful, and at the same time very dangerous, especially if you
have not trained it correctly. Reinforce the barriers that protect your weak
spots, train your mind to follow your lead, instead of it being the other way
around. We must be strong and steadfast in the face of depression, so when
these situations arise we can conquer them and do so in a healthy and
productive manner. If you’re not careful, your mind will bully you and beat you
down, leaving you for dead…literally. You could be your own best friend or your
own worst enemy, completely depending on your overall mental health.
When
battling depression you become a hostage to your own psyche, which if not
treated properly acts as the judge, the jury and the executioner of your being.
It is a menacing adversary who will do any and everything within its power to
have you succumb to its will. This is not a war you want to fight alone because
you won’t stand a chance, call in for backup!
From the
birth certificate to the obituaries, life can be a cruel mistress. Whether it
is that tasty treat you can’t have until you finish your icky dinner, or
something more adult oriented like the loss of a job and/or bills piling up
faster than you can knock them down. I’m sure you’ve heard this many times
before; life is not fair and doesn’t play nice. The game is difficult, but
totally worth playing, so put your game face on and play to win!
“Remember,
sometimes a crowd is the loneliest place of all.”
You may not
be the one who is battling with depression and/or with the thoughts of suicide,
but someone you know may just be, so keep a watchful eye out for the warning signs and don’t be afraid to act if necessary. As I said prior, due to an
unfortunate stigma in this country when it comes to mental health most people
are ashamed to speak up out of fear of ridicule and/or being considered weak.
Bottom line, they will not come to you, you have to go to them.
Sometimes
your perception of things is askew, things aren't always how they appear. With
that said, do your loved ones a favor and pay attention, take nothing for
granted because by the time you realize there’s a problem it could already be
too late.
We classify
many conditions and addictions as diseases in this country, which I can only
assume is to make people feel better about overindulging, physically, mentally
and of course financially. However, for depression we dare not speak of it in
public out of fear of being labeled crazy, insane or mentally challenged in one
way or another, hence the reason we have such a problem with suicide in our
country. This fact completely amazes and leaves me scratching my head in utter
confusion. This has to change if we truly ever hope to rectify the issue at
hand.
We ask each
other, “How are you” but we don’t want to know, we only do so to be perceived
as caring individuals, of course not all but most for sure. God forbid they
actually tell us their troubles because then they are considered complainers
and in our busy lives and hectic schedules we don’t have time for that.
We are
programmed to act concerned and compassionate to our fellow humans because it’s
the right thing to do, but the truth of it is that we don’t want to be
bothered. With the social stigma that already comes attached to depression,
this way of being only makes it more complicated and risky for someone to feel
comfortable enough to open up and honestly share what hinders them with us. We
need to be there for each other and stop trying to hide from each other!
“Depression
is the fire and playing with it will get you burnt.”
Part 4:
Coping
“The living
dead”
This
section is not about mindless zombies who crave brains like some of us crave
chocolate, but instead the individual left behind after the person he/she cares
about commits suicide. Their life becomes an out of control emotional
rollercoaster filled with many “what ifs” and “whys”. Nothing makes sense
anymore and they are as lost as a kid on the back of the milk carton.
There are
cases where people realize there is something wrong, the warning signs have
been heeded and the necessary actions taken. They try to help but their efforts
are all in vain, their reached out hand is met with a stiff barrier reluctant
to move. Their words fall on deaf ears; to the damaged psyche you come off
sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher. This is not because these people don’t
want help, but rather because they don’t feel they are worthy of it, in their
minds they are already at the end of their rope. No matter what how hard you
tried, nothing got through to them and ultimately still extinguished their
flame.
Then
sometimes even with the subtle clues and whispered cries for help a person can
be blind to the issues at hand and not pay them much mind, they write it off as
a bad day or trouble getting over a pothole in the rearview on the road of
life. Does this mean they don’t care, of course not, they can’t see the pain
and suffering through the overly happy façade of their loved one. Now although
this is not done intentionally and/or with hate in their hearts, this is a
costly mistake that could come back to haunt them when all is said and done.
In either
scenario is this torment deserving and/or warranted, especially in the shadow
of a recent loss? It is not, but regrettably it comes with the territory and is
an unrelenting burden that the survivor(s) must bear until they learn to cope
with the tragedy in a healthy manner.
If you find
yourself in this situation, the one left behind, try not to get angry at the
individual who died by suicide because they only did what they thought was
right, at least in their eyes it was. Try to understand that it wasn’t you they
were trying to get away from; unfortunately in this situation you were just the
innocent bystander. They loved you, but the pain was just too much for them to
bear. You have now become the victim, the torch has been passed, and if you
need help to cope during these trying times, then make sure you get it. This is
one situation where a “BOGO” would not be a good thing, not at all.
Do your
best to honor their memory, and if possible, to become a champion for their
cause. Show the world that their death wasn’t meaningless, trivial or selfish,
but rather a travesty and a great loss.
“They have
taken their life and left you feeling dead inside.”
Part 5:
Hope
“The light
at the end of the dark road”
Unfortunately
there are people who follow thru and succeed in ending their lives, and then
there are others, who by the grace of God make it through these dark times and
move forward in a positive direction. Gratefully I am the latter.
I was close
to calling an end to my time here on this planet a few times, each time
believing it was the only way to correct things and to truly put my mind at
ease. I felt like it was the only way to get past the torment and heartache.
Thankfully though, I had a great support system and could open up to people to
let them know how I felt, which wasn’t easy by any means but necessary for
healing.
This may be
hard to believe, and even somewhat cliché to say, but there is a way to
overcome the barrage of devastating punches life has bestowed upon you without
having to throw in the towel. Keep your chin up and do your best to not give up
on yourself or your loved ones. We can’t just assume that people know how we
feel, especially when we go out of our way to disguise our true feelings (as
stated above). We must be able to trust our loved ones with our innermost
workings and allow them to help when they can. We can’t be afraid to ask and/or
seek help when needed, professional help if applicable.
Believe it
or not, it’s perfectly acceptable to admit defeat and to ask for help when you
need it. Doing so doesn’t make you any less of a person and/or weak, if
anything it takes more courage and strength, so that is something you should
take pride in.
I hope and
pray the best for everyone, and if you ever need to talk, let me know. I may
not be able to solve every problem, but at least I could be an ear willing to
listen and/or a shoulder to lean on if need be.
I’m
speaking from experience my friends, I know it’s difficult, but you’re worth
fighting for and doing whatever is necessary to live a happy and healthy life.
When it comes to suicide the quote, “that which does not kill us, makes us
stronger” has never been more fitting. Don’t be a statistic, be a survivor!
Truly words
to “live” by!
“No matter
what side of the coin you're on, there are no winners when it comes to suicide.”
The End
(but hopefully not for you)
During this
piece I may have said the same thing many times, only in different ways. This
was not to be annoying like a steady drip from the faucet falling on metal pans,
but more so to drive the point home how import of an issue this is. We are
doing a disservice to ourselves as a whole when we disregard it, write it off
as nothing all that important and pretend it’s not reality.
Consider
this, most stories of people who died by suicide start with shock and disbelief
that their loved one could/would do such a thing. There’s not normally a clear
cut sign of someone losing control like an airplane going in for a crash
landing. There may have been hints along the way, but nothing that would lead
you to believe they were considering putting the final nail in their coffin.
You won't have many people shouting "I want to die"; most will say
they want to live. Don’t be afraid to love now, be afraid to cry later. Remember
me now, because once you have to remember me "when", it will be too
late then.
When it
comes to mental health, screw society and its standards! We must be able to
talk about it freely and without the fear of condemnation to be able to help
those in need. We are in a very difficult situation when it comes to mental
health, and we need to work together to change it for the better or we’ll all
be attending more unnecessary funerals. Spread the word!
#ChangeYourMindChangeTheirLife
Remember,
don't be afraid to peek behind the curtain that is your loved one, look how
well it worked out for Dorothy and her merry band of misfits. Read the writing
on the wall before you are reading it in a suicide note!
“Bring
flowers to someone to show them how special they are to you, not to decorate
their grave after they've passed on.”
MJM
This piece
is dedicated to the memory of all those who have lost the fight with
depression. To those who were overcome by the dreaded beast. To those who felt
the only way out was to end it all. May your souls now rest in peace and your
hearts hurt no longer.
This piece
is also dedicated to those who have loved and lost. To those who have found out
that something was wrong way too late. To those who are missing pieces of
themselves like an incomplete puzzle. I pray that with time the cross you bear
becomes easier to manage, and that the crack in your wall not end with your
foundation shattering.
Helpful
Links/Numbers:
National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255
“Battlefieldof the Mind”…a great book with lots of helpful practices and techniques to
strengthen your mind, spiritual or not, this is a good read.
I
understand TV ratings and shock value. It's part of The Walking Dead fiber to
kill off seemingly safe, major, characters. Hershel's death was sad but it fit.
The story was decent and he met his end at the hands of The Walking Dead's
greatest villain so for. Even for characters that aren't likable, like Lori,
the show did a good job maximizing the emotional impact of her death..jpeg)
