“On the Next Maury”

I love comic books, superheroes and just about anything else that goes along with them just as much as the next guy, but it’s time to speak up, it’s time to stop ignoring the problem and just hope it goes away on its own.

I need to get this information to the masses before somebody takes me out; before someone sneaks up behind me and gives me a nasty paper cut right across my throat, for spilling the beans and airing their dirty laundry.

I also know I may get ostracized from the nerd/geek community for saying this but I must take that risk for the greater good of humanity, superheroes are like the Transformers, they are more than meets the eye, they have some serious skeletons in their closet.

Okay here goes, those so-called “superheroes” are taking advantage of their sidekicks, they are like Catholic priest and their sidekicks are the altar boys, I know it’s hard to believe but trust me it’s true.

Think about it, have you even seen an ugly, or even legal, sidekick in the world of superheroes, have you ever seen sidekick that looks like the Freddy Krueger or Sandra Bernhard…or course not?

All these sidekicks look as if they could be in the next boy/girl band that has all the right moves and all the young kids madly crushing on them, the only thing ugly about them are the emotional scars they conceal inside their hearts.

They are all in great shape, very flexible and perfectly proportioned if you get what I’m saying, there is no saggage, cellulite and/or hair issues in sight, they are all members of the beautiful people’s club.

These kids aren’t even old enough to smoke, drink and/or vote, but it is okay that they run around looking like hookers and skanks to supposedly “fight crime”, but we all know better than that…they are sex slaves!

Captain America/Bucky, Superman/Supergirl and the worst offender of them all Batman/Robin, Batman (who uses poor Catwoman as his beard) gets a full suit of armor and what does Robin get, nothing more than some green underwear (briefs mind you, not even boxers), a satin cape and bustier…still need any more proof!

Batman also goes after the troubled youth, the ones with real emotional issues, mommy and daddy problems, the kids that are looking for someone to love them and embrace them, even if it comes with French kisses and lots of baby oil.

And once they get too old for him, he sends them out on their own, and/or allows his enemies to “capture” them and ultimately kill them, and of course he arrives right after it all goes down just to throw the cops off his scent.

Speaking of his enemies, they’re the evil ones and even they won’t mess with the kids, the Joker’s main squeeze is a fully legal hottie known as Harley Quinn, sure she’s a little psychotic but at least she gets to sit at the grownups table at Thanksgiving.

There you have it, the dark secret that has been plaguing the comic book world since it all began, the reason why so many sidekicks grow up to be junkie alcoholics…just like all those childhood stars from television and movies.

So next time you see one of these “superheroes” please remember the monster that really lies behind the mask and/or under the cape, and instead of praising them, report them to the proper authorities as soon as possible.

MJM