“Family Guy: (Dog)gone Stupid”

When I first heard that they were killing of Brian I didn’t believe it was real, I didn’t think they could be that stupid.

I then watched the episode, hoping the whole time that it was a dream (like they did on Dallas) or some other kind of “gotcha” moment, but to my dismay it wasn’t.

They really did kill off the character, and not only that, they replaced him with some horrible unfunny alternative (Vinny).

I knew it was for real when I saw this week’s opening segment, Brian was nowhere to be found and that crappy wannabe mafia wise guy was all over the place like Lil' Wayne in the rap world.

It would be one thing if they got rid of him, and replaced him with a character as funny, or even funnier, than he was but this Vinny mutt is barking up the wrong tree here.

This Vinny character is just every Italian stereotype rolled up in one; it’s obvious that no real thought went into creating him and/or how a character like this would fit in with the rest of the characters.

I know they did this for shock value, to get people talking again, but come on people it’s supposed to be new and improved, not new and a bunch of stinky crap.

  

I guess Mr. (too greedy to release whole seasons on DVD) MacFarlane thinks he is the best thing since sliced cake, that he can do whatever he wants and still rake in the dough.

He believes that he is untouchable, that lightning does strikes twice in his world, just because his show got brought back from the dead zone he now feels that he can do whatever he wants, like kill off one of the main characters with no repercussions for example.

I really hope that us fans (I can’t be alone on this) stop watching the show, let them know that we are not going to settle for crap just because we like the brand.

We need to show them they will be gone with a quickness, that their ratings will drop quicker than a show starring the GEICO caveman.

They need to know that we are the reason they are on the air in the first place, it’s not the other way around, without us there wouldn’t be a Family Guy…period.

MJM

“Give Me Video Games, or Give Me Death”

Playing video games is serious business; it’s not all just fun and games as some would lead you to believe.

Us gamers, hardcore and regularcore alike, take it very seriously and do not consider it just a hobby and/or a time filler like watching television/movies or reading books would be.

This is our life, we eat, sleep and get our rocks off to video games, we don’t just arbitrarily play them like some people **cough** mobile gamers **cough**.

Speaking of which, cellphones are not for playing video games; they are for texting, making phone calls and storing your porn so you always have it readily available to you while you are on the go in case the need arises to rub one out.

Also, all this novelty crap like motion controlled gaming and 3D is just fluff, nothing more and nothing less, and us “real” gamers can’t be bothered with it.

A true gamer sits on the couch with a controller in hand; their favorite beverage/food nearby and completely shuts out the outside world and transforms themselves into the game like as if it was the Matrix.

We also don’t take too kindly to people, mainly significant others and/or parents, referring to them as kids toys, because they are not in any sense of the word, that’s like saying comic books and action figures are for kids.

There is nothing childish about them, they are just as manly as playing sports and/or scoring with a chick that doesn’t need to be blown up, and by blown up I don't mean with explosives, I'm talking about with air, or helium if you’re a bottom.

Sure we can’t change a car tire and/or spit without getting it all over ourselves, but we sure as heck can save the princess in the final dungeon without having to use a strategy guide and/or a life potion.

And yes, the sound of a balloon popping does make us wet ourselves, but when we’re mic'd up and playing some Call of Duty we are all Rambo baby, we can take out an enemy army like as if we were King Leonidas and they were the Persians.

We would get tattoos just to show you people how hard we really were, but the sight of needles makes us faint, and not only that how hard would we look rocking a Yoshi tattoo.

Just know, unlike the video games with partake in, we are nothing to play with son, so before you go running off at the mouth about us and/or our lifestyle make sure you’re packing something more than an NES Zapper homie, you best come correct.

When we snap into a Slim Jim and get our nerd rage on you bitches better make way, because we will knock your ass out like as if you were Little Mac and we were Mike Tyson, we’ll be all over you like as if we were the zombies in Resident Evil and you were  Chris Redfield, get the picture.

So if you’re smart, you’ll keep your butt in the real world and leave cyberspace to us pros.

MJM

“Show Some Zombie Love People”

P.E.T.Z, People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies, where are these people?

I just think we as a society are hypocritical, because if man was to attack and/or abuse an animal these PETA folks would be out in droves with pitchforks and torches ready to lynch their asses, but if someone was to do the same to a zombie you wouldn't hear crap from them. 

We all know zombies are mindless, a point that has been jammed down our throats by the many people vs. zombie movies/television shows that saturate our airwaves, so it is obvious that they are not attacking us out of anger and/or aggression, but rather as a means of survival just like any other wild animal would do in a similar situation.

Now with that being said, since we all know that zombies aren't some crazy killer psychopaths like Jeffrey Dahmer or Hitler, just a species that is fighting for survival and acting on their basic instincts why do we feel the need to kill them all dead? 

Since they are mentally handicapped, which I’m sure we would all agree is the case here, shouldn't we be there for them, help make their lives easier and not discriminate against them and hinder their forward progress and/or kill them just for being who they are?

We wouldn't kill a gay person because they are different, well most of us thinking people wouldn't, so why do it to the zombies, and sure they bite and scratch in the heat of the moment but so do some gay people (oh behave) so should we kill them too. 

I know they’re scary, and I’m not suggesting we all hold hands and sing Kumbaya around the campfire, but our first reaction shouldn't be to shoot them in their domes when we see them, we wouldn't do that to anyone else who is considered handicapped so why them?

We need to have laws in place to protect these poor unfortunate souls, ways to keep them safe from all those gun-toting crazies who are looking for any excuse to just blow something away like as if they were Yosemite Sam.   

Here’s an idea, why don’t we give them their own states, like say New Jersey, Utah and/or Florida for example, a place where we as a country wouldn't be missing anything and/or anyone significant if places like I mentioned were to be overrun by zombies. 

We could take away all the weapons from these places, put up protective fences like as if they were prisons and we wouldn't have to worry about feeding them because the zombies would have plenty of food to keep their blood thirsty appetites under control.

 

Okay, sure the zombies would be surrounded by foods that were high in fat if we did this, but that would be on them to make sure they didn't overeat and to get their exercise in, we can’t coddle them. 

And honestly who amongst us would really be all that heartbroken if we were to lose the citizens from those places and others similar, I’m sure as a result of these people being zombie chow our IQ as a country would go up tremendously, even with the zombies. 

MJM

“On the Next Maury”

I love comic books, superheroes and just about anything else that goes along with them just as much as the next guy, but it’s time to speak up, it’s time to stop ignoring the problem and just hope it goes away on its own.

I need to get this information to the masses before somebody takes me out; before someone sneaks up behind me and gives me a nasty paper cut right across my throat, for spilling the beans and airing their dirty laundry.

I also know I may get ostracized from the nerd/geek community for saying this but I must take that risk for the greater good of humanity, superheroes are like the Transformers, they are more than meets the eye, they have some serious skeletons in their closet.

Okay here goes, those so-called “superheroes” are taking advantage of their sidekicks, they are like Catholic priest and their sidekicks are the altar boys, I know it’s hard to believe but trust me it’s true.

Think about it, have you even seen an ugly, or even legal, sidekick in the world of superheroes, have you ever seen sidekick that looks like the Freddy Krueger or Sandra Bernhard…or course not?

All these sidekicks look as if they could be in the next boy/girl band that has all the right moves and all the young kids madly crushing on them, the only thing ugly about them are the emotional scars they conceal inside their hearts.

They are all in great shape, very flexible and perfectly proportioned if you get what I’m saying, there is no saggage, cellulite and/or hair issues in sight, they are all members of the beautiful people’s club.

These kids aren’t even old enough to smoke, drink and/or vote, but it is okay that they run around looking like hookers and skanks to supposedly “fight crime”, but we all know better than that…they are sex slaves!

Captain America/Bucky, Superman/Supergirl and the worst offender of them all Batman/Robin, Batman (who uses poor Catwoman as his beard) gets a full suit of armor and what does Robin get, nothing more than some green underwear (briefs mind you, not even boxers), a satin cape and bustier…still need any more proof!

Batman also goes after the troubled youth, the ones with real emotional issues, mommy and daddy problems, the kids that are looking for someone to love them and embrace them, even if it comes with French kisses and lots of baby oil.

And once they get too old for him, he sends them out on their own, and/or allows his enemies to “capture” them and ultimately kill them, and of course he arrives right after it all goes down just to throw the cops off his scent.

Speaking of his enemies, they’re the evil ones and even they won’t mess with the kids, the Joker’s main squeeze is a fully legal hottie known as Harley Quinn, sure she’s a little psychotic but at least she gets to sit at the grownups table at Thanksgiving.

There you have it, the dark secret that has been plaguing the comic book world since it all began, the reason why so many sidekicks grow up to be junkie alcoholics…just like all those childhood stars from television and movies.

So next time you see one of these “superheroes” please remember the monster that really lies behind the mask and/or under the cape, and instead of praising them, report them to the proper authorities as soon as possible.

MJM

“Liebster Award”

I can’t believe it; I have actually been nominated for a Liebster Award, and what makes it even more crazy is that I received two nominations, and neither one is from my mommy.

The first one comes by way of “A Latter-Day Teen” and the second “Nonsensical Murmurs”, both great blogs in their on right, and you should definitely go check them out.

Besides posting eleven random facts about myself and answering some questions I’m not really sure what I do here, I do recall watching the MTV Awards a few years back and everyone who won thanked their fans, their family and of course God, so I would like to do the same.

I would like to thank my fans, all three of you, the two people who nominated me and my mom.

I would like to thank my family, and no there is no cash prize that comes along with this award so you don’t have to call me to “catch up”.

And finally I would like to thank God; because without him/her none of this would be possible…hmmm thinking about it, considering my blog, this may be the work of the devil…so okay scratch God for now.

Anyway, on with the show…

Here are eleven random facts about myself. (Feel free to not read them)

1. The Incredible Hulk is my all-time favorite superhero.

2. I love to make people laugh, especially by talking about poop, farts and other things associated with the bum.

3. I love to people watch, because stupid people amaze the heck out of me.

4. When it comes to which I prefer, cats or dogs, the answer would be cats all the way…and not just because the slang name for them also happens to be one of my favorite body part on the ladies.

5. I am a gamer, I don’t care what system they’re for, I love/play them all.

6. I’m not a big reader, unless of course it comes in the form of a comic book.

7. I’m ashamed to admit this one considering how they are playing this season, but I am a New York Giants fan.

8. I freaking hate spiders, and will run from them just like Scooby runs from ghouls and ghosts.

9. I think both Democrats and Republics are full of crap.

10. I was born and raised in New Jersey, and I can tell you from personal experience that its moniker “The Armpit of America” is very much fitting.

11. I can’t stand Apple products, I think they are totally overrated and more of a hassle than they’re worth.

Alright time for the questions, there’s a lot of them because I’m responding to two nominations worth…so please bear with me.

(Asked by “A Latter-Day Teen”)

1. If you had to listen to one band or singer for the rest of your life, who would it be? Bon Jovi

2. What is your favorite color? Green…like the Hulk

3. The mountains or beach? Mountains…I’m too pale for the beach

4. How would you describe your style? Balding

5. What is your favorite Holiday? Halloween

6. What was the worst thing you did as a child? Tried to burn down my school

7. If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Ireland

8. When you read the title "A Latter-Day Teen" what do you think about? The Latter Day Saints

10. What do you have to have before you leave the house? Pants

11. What would like to do before you die? Live

(Asked by “Nonsensical Murmurs”)

1. If you had to blog about one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? Funny stuff, because I love to make people laugh

2. How many blogs belonging to different people do you read a day? A lot…

3. Do you blog regularly? No, I would love to, but unfortunately this crazy little thing called life gets in the way

4. How often do you read? Not often at all

5. What is your dream job? Retirement

6. What is your favorite animal? Cats

7. Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Where ever my girlfriend wants to shop

8. Real of fake nails? Fake if I’m being hung on a cross, real if I’m building a house

9. How often do you dye your hair, if at all? Not at all

10. Long or short hair? Long on chicks, short on dudes

11. What is your favorite make up product? Umm not really sure on this one, being a dude and all, so I guess the makeup you use on Halloween

Now for my questions. (Here comes the boom)

1. How do you feel about dropping the kids off at a public pool (taking a poop in a public restroom)?

2. Have you ever stole someone lunch when at work?

3. Do you fart in public?

4. Stupidest thing you’ve ever done while you were drunk?

5. Have you ever been to jail/prison?

6. Have you ever turned a pair of underwear inside out just to get another day out of them?

7. Have you ever given a “homeless” person money just because you felt guilty, then afterwards saw them using it for alcohol and felt like an ass?

8. Would you rather get caught picking your nose or picking a wedgie?

9. Have you ever been in a house full of people who love you, only to feel sad because you didn’t get any love on Facebook, Twitter or any other form of social media outlet?

10. Have you ever voted for a president really expecting things to change for the better?

11. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in the throat?

Whew that was a lot freaking of work, I hope it was worth it and that you enjoyed it.

Here’s my nominations:

The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan

Finding Ninee

The Sadder but Wiser Girl

A Pleasant House

Menopausal Mother

That’s Life…Sometimes!!!

Bryan Jones’ Diary – The Ramblings of a Menopausal Man

Considerings

Humorparasite.com

Penpaperpad

The Insomniacs Dream

And one more for good measure…

Next Life...No Kids

Whew…I’m finally done, thank God. I hope it wasn't too much for you to read, and I also hope this post won’t make you hate me, I swear this is it…I’m done.

MJM

“MJM's Random Thoughts; Video Game Edition”

Just as the title states, this is a collection of my random thoughts when it comes to video games. I had no other place to put them so I figured I would list them all here for your viewing pleasure. You're not going to find any pearls of wisdom here, or heartwarming sentiment, just a bunch random nonsense that popped in my head throughout the course of my day.

Random Thoughts...

#1. Places where they should allow you to play video games while you wait, the doctor’s office waiting room, in shopping malls out front of clothing stores and of course during a long jail/prison stint, of course the magnitude of your crime will determine what console/games you get to play.

  

#2. They should make cross play available across all consoles, that way no matter what console you prefer to game on you would still be able to play with your friends, even if they are stuck paying for Xbox Live…not hating, just saying.

#3. There should be no more exclusives; every game should be made available for everyone to play, without having to break the bank to pick up a new console to do so. We need to stop brand segregation people; we need to come together as a cohesive unit and game for the greater good of gaming.

#4. We need to bring back arcades, and I don’t mean those wannabe arcades that are filled with grown people in costumes serving pizza to kids or drunks acting a fool and getting the games all greasy and nasty with their chicken wing eating fingers.

We need the old school arcades, the ones where a gamer can get his game on, and the biggest thing we have to worry about is getting cornered by colored (and I’m not being racists here, they really are colored) ghosts without a power pellet in site and/or running out of quarters.

#5. Brand new games should peak at $40, this would make it easy on us gamers to play the games when they’re released, and we wouldn’t have to wait to buy them used.

This would be a win-win situation for everyone involved, we as consumers would be more willing to buy new, which would keep the gaming companies from whining about us buying used, and we would also be willing to take more chances on games we’re unsure about.

Sure Gamestop would lose some money, but we’re okay with that because they suck.

#6. When we buy digital, notice I said “buy” and not that were given for free, games we should own them and be able to do whatever the hell we want with them.

If we want to allow our friends to download and play the games on their system we should be able to, without any restrictions and/or complications.

#7. Video games should come with a 30 day money back guarantee, even if they’re opened, because we all know you guys can re-shrink wrap those bitches back up and pass them off as new and people would be none the wiser.

Trust me, unless they’re a “hardcore” gamer they’re not beating the game in 30 days, but they will at least have been able to play it to see if it’s worth keeping or not.

#8. Video games should not be kept behind glass, because for us to look at them we have to go find a store associate for help, and when we actually find one they act like we’re bothering them and keeping them from something more important.

When we ask to see multiple games so that we can make an informed decision as to what we are spending our hard earned money on, they look at us like as if we just crapped on their shoes.

We should be able to pick up and hold the games, caress them, make love to them, make them our bitch…oh sorry to far.

#9. Motion controlled gaming should only be an option, not mandatory to play a game.

Sure it’s fun for like 10 minutes or so, but when it comes right down to it I would rather be sitting on the couch with a bowl of Cheetos on my lap and a controller in my hand.

Bottom-line is this, I’m not looking for a workout; I’m trying to get my game on, so save that moving crap for outside the house.  

Finally, and I mean this one with love…

#10. Nintendo should go out of the console business and just make games for Sony and Microsoft, because they make great games, but subpar consoles. I would freaking love to play a new Zelda and/or Metroid game, but I don’t want to buy a Wii U (what a stupid name) to do so.

MJM

“Collecting Toys”

As a nerd it goes without saying that I do nerdy things, like for example collecting toys.

Now based on my age, I’m sure most of you would believe when I say “collecting toys” that I’m referring to those of an adult nature; you know the kind that vibrate and such.

Well truth be told, I am not, I’m talking about the kind that you would find next to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Hot Wheels in your local Walmart store.

Besides, adult toys are more for the women anyway, like Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids are, sure you won’t find an adult toy coming with its own birth certificate or pink corvette, but you get the point.

As long as we men come equipped with kung fu grip we will always be ready for battle, well maybe not battle per se, but at least a round of speed drumming.

Anyways, I used to collect anything that struck my fancy, mainly because in a way by doing so I felt the king of the mountain.

What I mean by that is this, when we were younger we were at our parent’s mercy, if they felt it was more important to pay the light bill rather than pick us up a G.I. Joe Defiant playset then we had no other choice but to except it.

So now we can buy whatever we want, forget food, I’m heading to the toy aisle, and I’m not settling for those cheap knockoffs either, the ones that are named for what they are, like for example Military Men and/or Transforming Robots.

I’m making it rain toys baby, sure I’m living under a bridge, but as long as I got my action figures (and don’t you dare say dolls) it’s all good and I’m as happy as a redneck who just heard his parents say in the delivery room, “It’s a girl”.

Throughout the course of my collecting it has changed many times, like I said prior I used to collect just about everything, then I only collected variants and female figures with the hopes of turning a profit and coping a feel on some lady plastic parts (which are just as good as the fake real things), but now I collect just what I like.

What I like, well I’m a Hulkamaniac brother, and no I don’t mean the washed up wrestler with straw hair who eats his vitamins and says his prayers, but rather mean green himself the Incredible Hulk.

My house could be a museum to him; I have his movies/televisions shows, toys and all kinds of other crazy goodies all over the joint, I’m giving Boston’s Fenway Park and their “big green monster” a run for its money.

Green with envy my ass, my place is green with Hulk, and I’m as proud as a homosexual who is here and who wants others to get used to it. There’s no shame in my game baby, I “marvel”ous and I know it.

If I’m out and see an Incredible Hulk item that I don’t have, and sometime do have depending on how cool it is, I get all giddy like a kid on Christmas morning and I have to buy it. I can’t help it, common sense flies out the window and my wallet flies open.

I feel bad for the cashier when it comes time to pay, because she needs to be extra gentle with it and it must be bagged all by itself, kind of like if it was fine China or a dead body I was trying to hide.

I thank God that the Hulk isn’t as popular as say Spider-Man and/or Batman, because if he was I would stay broke trying to keep up my collection.

I may not be a Toys "R" Us kid, but I do know that I don’t want to grow up.

Live long and stay nerdy.

MJM

“Robots in Hollywood”

I’m a robot fanboy, every time I would see one in my favorite movie and/or television show I would squeal like a little girl and/or a stuck pig.

They just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a bad case of diarrhea and/or that feeling you get when you’re about to score for the first time.

I even love the dance, if wasn't rhythmically challenged I would be showing off my moves on every dance floor I came across, but noooo, I had to be born a honky.

They didn't have to be all robot either, some human parts and/or mannerisms were alright, but only if they were more machine than man, a robotic limb and/or suit wouldn't constitute one being a robot…not hating, just saying.

The robots didn't even have to be all badassy either, they could be a complete wuss and I would still love them like a fat kid loves cake.

Like for example Data from Star Trek, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and even the most embarrassing one to admit, Vicki (or V.I.C.I.) from Small Wonder.

And of course the dynamic duo of droids, R2-D2 and C3PO, they are like the Skipper and Gilligan of the robotic world.

Now don’t get me wrong, being able to kick buttocks wasn't a bad thing by any means, the more fleshy mofos getting their butts handed to them by the machine the better…rage against the machine my foot.

Like Robocop from his self-titled flick, Mechagodzilla from Japan, and of course the most mechanical ass-kickers The Terminator/ T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

One of my favorite movies as a kid was The Black Hole, and not because it was a particularly good movie, but because it had some really cool robots in it like V.I.N.Cent and Old B.O.B.

But the main reason I loved that movie was because of Maximilian, the original can of whoop ass, no book will ever stop him bitches.

I even loved the cartoon robots, and not only the obvious ones like The Transformers either, I was a fan of Rosie from the Jetsons, Roboto from He-Man and the robotic party animal Bender from Futurama.

I even liked the movie Robots, now if me being in my late 30s and loving an animated kids movie about robots doesn't show you how big of a fan I am of theirs, than I don’t know what will.

Some honorable mentions would be Bishop from Aliens, GlaDOS from the video game Portal and the ever so frantic robot from Lost in Space…danger Will Robinson.

So many kick-ass machines in the world of entertainment, the list can go on and on, but for the sake of time I will forego listing them all, just know that they are out there ready to take over the world.

MJM

“Female Superhero/Villain Okay, Female on the Pole No Way”

How come the way women are depicted in comic books, hero or villain, is not considered demeaning to women, but things like rap videos and Playboy are? If the woman is doing what she wants and not being forced into anything, then why is it a bad thing, doesn’t that mean that she is an independent and strong female?

If they have the body, and want to show it off, who are we to stop them and/or make them feel bad about doing so? If they want to make their booty clap in a rap video while champagne is being poured all over them, then why do we feel the need to hate on them?

Now don’t get me wrong, as a red-blooded American male I am all for my super chicks being hotter than a volcano, I’m just wondering if it is really necessary for them all to be dressed like strippers just to fight crime and/or cause havoc in their respected cities…at least from the prospective of a woman?

I just don’t get it; you don’t see comic book chicks looking like Rosie O'Donnell, with the ability to shoot Koosh Balls, in their pages but you see plenty of babes with buns of steel and bigger breasts than what you’ll find in a bucket of KFC chicken spread throughout their pages like as if it was the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

You’ll also see many out of shape, goofy looking dudes all over the place, there are many male heroes/villains that could pass as Alfred E. Newman’s long-lost brother, plus or minus a few pounds, but there are no Ugly Betties in these pages…why?

For some reason though women are okay with how their counterparts are depicted in these pages, they don’t seem to mind, if anything they look at it like a good thing. Is this because they are typically ass kickers, and they don’t fit the stereotypical image of what a woman is supposed to be, they aren’t frail and/or weak and/or overly sensitive?

Is it what they’re doing while wearing these outfits, or lack thereof, that makes a difference? If they are out fighting crime or trying to take over the world they’re okay, but if they’re swinging on a pole with dollar bills hanging out of their bottoms than it’s no good?

If there was a magazine full of all these scantily clad superhero/villain women in various poses would you buy it and still embrace them as you do now, or even allow your children to read it, or would you look at it like Playboy or any other kind of “filth”?

I’m obviously not a woman, well not obviously, but I’m not a woman, I’m a man baby ROAR. So I’m really just wondering why this is, I’m not hating and/or trying to disrespect anyone, I just don’t understand why it is that women aren’t protesting DC Comics and asking them to cover up Wonder Woman and turn her more modest instead of pretending to be her.

Is it some kind of double standard thingy, can I not understand why because I am from Mars and have a penis, or is there more to it that I’m just not seeing? So please just help this blind man see, why is one okay and the other wrong?

Now for the record, I’m not saying one is right and the other is wrong, so please don’t call me sexiest and put me in a nut cracker as if I was a chestnut (ouch), I’m just truly wondering what the reasoning is.

MJM