“It Is Better to Be a Clone than in Bad Company”

I’m somewhat of a loner, not by choice so much but more so because most people think I’m mentally disturbed, and that is why they are afraid to hang out with me, at least not without some form of protection like a rock or a very sharp object.

So with that said I have always dreamt of the day when I would have a partner, a soulmate if you will.

Someone I could totally relate to, like say a clone, not a clone like Mini-Me though, because I would really hate to have to toss him in the dumpster with all those other unwanted mini-hims/hers.

I’m not really sure how it would happen.

Maybe I come across a barrel of toxic waste that is lying around for no apparent reason whatsoever, and due to my own negligence I fall into it and out pops my clone, like in the comics.

Maybe I get captured by a demonic copy machine from another dimension, and for some morbid reason it gets off on making copies of me.

It would use those copies to fulfill all its perverted sexual pleasures, like refilling the paper trays and jamming the toner cartridge into it hard and deep.

Maybe some crazy scientist uses me as his Italian Pig (that would be guinea pig for all you laypeople out there) for an experiment which results in my clone.

No matter how it goes down the bottom line is it happens and I am in heaven because there is finally a person who completely understands me and who isn’t afraid of me possibly snapping into a Slim Jim and losing my shit.

I don’t know if said clone would be my evil doppelganger, or my best friend, but either way I would love him as if I had my own set of lady parts and popped him out myself.

We would do everything together, happily pounce through flowers while holding hands in slow motion, take long walks on the beach at sunset and even if the occasion calls for it, break the law and go on the run like Thelma and Louise.

However, if we do end up getting caught by the fuzz he is on his own.

I would drop the dime on him so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him; I would make Henry Hill look like a saint when I’m done spilling the beans.

I wouldn’t do this out of hate, but rather because I’m overly sensitive and not a big fan of getting hit in the shitter from some massive inmate who’s in the joint for murder, not hating on anyone it’s just not my thing.

Now if he was to get the chair as a result of our crime spree I would be right there by his side, at least up to the point when they pulled the switch, because after that I’m out like a belly button, never to be heard from again as if I was gerbil at Richard Gere’s.

Only for the reason that I don’t want to be stuck with the bill for the funeral, I can’t see spending the money.

It’s not like he was a pet or a family member, he was only a clone, and I don’t pay to bury clones (or in-laws), they could burn the bodies and use the ashes as kitty litter for all I care.

I guess my biggest dilemma would be if I was to fall head over heels in love with my clone, I just wouldn’t know how to handle something like that.

I mean like what if he was the one who warmed my buns, the one who put the fizz in my soda and the one that makes all my parts the pastor played with when I was a young boy all warm and tingly?

Would we be able to bang, or would that be considered incest, or gay or possibly even both, I’m as lost as the kid on the back of the milk carton!

Would it even be sex, or simply masturbation, because with all things considered you are basically just playing with yourself, right?

Is it legal to marry your clone, or is it frowned upon by all those “loving” folks who claim to do what’s in the best interest of their god?

You know those people who avoid cleaning up their own yards, and believe that by spending all their time telling you how to clean up yours they are guaranteed a spot in paradise.

Since their god didn’t technically create the clone that should make it alright, it would be like marrying your imaginary friend, so no harm no foul…correct?

I don’t know, I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it, either that or be shoved off that said bridge by some clone hating mofos who are always up for ruining someone else’s good time.

I know it would be tricky, and our relationship full of many obstacles regardless if we hump each other or not, but in all honesty I can’t frigging wait for the day when I have another me to pal around with.

MJM

“Heaven & Hell: Angels & Demons”

We have all heard about heaven and hell, angels and demons, at least some point or another in our lives.

Heaven is where all the good people go when they die.

They grow wings and halos and for some odd reason learn how to play the harp without ever taking a lesson whatsoever.

The whole time chilling out with all their family and friends, because of course anyone they cared about would be in heaven with them and not in hell with all the bad people, that is of course unless they are an in-law…especially a mother-in-law.

Hell is where all the politicians and people who are not just like us go when they die.

They grow horns and carry around pitchforks and turn all bright red like Caucasians with really bad sunburns.

The whole time partying it up in the sweltering heat while being surrounded by a bunch of nasty bitches and bastards, it’s kind of like living in Florida.

I just have a few questions that have been on my mind ever since the first time I've heard of these places, so I figured I would ask the ever so trustworthy and well-mannered people of the internet.  

So here goes…

1. Why is heaven the place to be and hell where one would want to avoid at all costs as if it was the Walmart of the afterlife, isn't that all just a matter of prospective?

2. Do you think that demons ever get tired of lighting their own farts, it’s not like they really have a choice in the matter, and I’m sure after the first fifty times or so it has to get old?

3. Considering that all gays are going to hell (according to some), does that mean that there's nothing but straight porn in heaven, no lesbians, just plain old boring heterosexual crap?

4. Being familiar with humans as we are, do you think our soul is bounced back and forth between heaven and hell like some kind of supernatural volleyball game, until we die and one side or the other finally scores our soul?

5. Do you think that some angels have vacation homes in hell that they travel to when winter comes to heaven?

6. Was there ever a ”Romeo and Juliet” type of scenario between an angel and demon, or do they pretty much just stick to their own like the KKK?

7. A husband and wife die, one goes to heaven and the other hell, are they allowed to call each other, and if so are those calls considered long distance calls?

8. Heaven is supposed to be this amazing place, better than anything you could ever imagine.

I just don’t see how that’s possible, considering as an angel you are either hanging out on people’s shoulders opposite of devils trying to convince them to do the right thing or stuck being a guardian to some fool who isn't able to take care of him/herself.

Honestly that just doesn't sound all the great.

(The End)

Well anyone care to step up to the plate and help me figure out these quandaries?

MJM

“The Walking Beth”

I have a guest on my blog today who surprisingly wishes to remain nameless, so like in the movie Ghost where Patrick Swayze was holding Demi Moore as she sat at the pottery wheel so is the case here, except we’re blogging.

This person wants to voice their opinion in regards to The Walking Dead’s mid-season finale, they want the world (and the show’s producers) to know just how pissed they are that (spoiler alert: The Walking Dead, Sopranos and Breaking Bad) Beth was axed from the show while some less than desirable folks are still alive and kicking.

To Sir Elton John, we need a new Candle in the Wind song, because no offense to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana but we all know that Beth Greene is the only blonde who really matters.

Sit back, relax and enjoy…

"Why we should stop watching The Walking Dead"

Dear AMC and The Walking Dead producers:

I became a Walking Dead fan begrudgingly. Last year my partner and I, like much of America, took up the pass time of binge tv watching. We went through the great shows, like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and House of Cards very fast. We tried The Walking Dead but quickly understood why the early reviews were mixed. The premise was great but the first few episodes felt very subpar, mainly due to the poor acting and unlikable characters. We gave up.

Due to overwhelming feedback that the show had really turned into an A level show, we decided to give it another chance. Many great stories begin in the middle. We decided to skip Season 1 and start a few episodes into Season 2. We were pleasantly entertained. We continued watching and became invested in great, new characters like Maggie, Hershel and Beth as annoying original characters like Lori and Shane were killed off.

I understand TV ratings and shock value. It's part of The Walking Dead fiber to kill off seemingly safe, major, characters. Hershel's death was sad but it fit. The story was decent and he met his end at the hands of The Walking Dead's greatest villain so for. Even for characters that aren't likable, like Lori, the show did a good job maximizing the emotional impact of her death.

It's clear Beth's death was done for Mid Season shock value. Many of us, myself included, cried... due to the loss of a great character, not a great story. The shoddy, thrown together storyline was made worse with weak, unbelievable, characters. Beth, if she was meant to go, deserved a storyline on par with Adrianna from the Sopranos or Hank from Breaking Bad.

I am not a Walking Dead head. I don't read the comics and I don't watch the Talking Dead. I count myself among the fans that watch the show simply for the amazing characters and good stories. Carol is clearly the stand out character on the show. The episode where she had to shoot the little girl is one of the best acted, written and most affecting TV episodes of any TV show I've ever watched. Her transformation has been believable and mesmerizing. She has the potential to achieve Walter White / Breaking Bad status. Daryl, the fan favorite, is also a great character. Ironically, one is dead and the other doesn't exist in the comic but, I digress. This isn't a note about how the show should let go of the comic and cut, dice and burn it's own path.

Carol and Daryl are the bad asses. Maggie and Beth rounded out the emotional core of the show. They are the ones with the easiest emotional connection. Now that Beth is gone its clear Maggie is going to lose it. Can the show survive?

Finally, I know the reasoning that will be given for killing her was to create great story lines and character development for the remaining characters. You probably congratulate yourselves on the bold decision. If you really want to shock and create emotional waves to carry the remaining characters for not just episodes but seasons, kill Rick off. Lori and Shane have been waiting for him for over a season now.

For the fans, sign the petition to bring Beth back.

https://www.change.org/p/the-walking-dead-bring-beth-back

Anonymous

Well there you go, one man’s plea to bring Beth back. You know it’s not totally out of the realm of possibilities here; look what they did on Dallas back in the day when everyone was trying to figure out who shot J.R.

When Beth wanted to die the producers weren’t having it, then when she wanted to live they kill her off in the worst possible way imaginable, with some screwball cop who didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground blasting her in the head as if it was one of Gallagher’s watermelons…what a cruel world we live in.

MJM

“The Walking Dead: Top 5 Favorite Episodes”

With season 5 of The Walking Dead right around the corner, I decided I would share my top 5 favorite episodes (in no particular order) of the series up to this point, and be warned there will be spoilers.

(Click the episode name for a preview)

1.) Season 4, Episode 16, “A”

I loved this episode for one reason, and that is because Rick finally grew some balls and showed everyone that he is not to be taken lightly, and if you don’t believe me then just ask zombie Joe. And also the bromance between Rick and Daryl was pretty cool too...no homo.

2.) Season 2, Episode 7, "Pretty Much Dead Already"

After watching this episode I realized that not even kids were safe in the post-apocalyptic world. Now sure we’ve seen zombie kids prior to this episode, but there was no real attachment to them because they were already dead when we met them, Sophia on the other hand was destined to be little Carl’s main squeeze…or so I thought.

3.) Season 4, Episode 14, "The Grove"

Just look at the flowers… ‘nuff said!

4.) Season 2, Episode 4, "Cherokee Rose"

In a world full of chaos and turmoil it’s nice to see love, and in this case the said love comes in the form of a budding relation between Glenn and Maggie (two of my favorite characters in the show). Sure they’re not in love in this episode, but you can clearly see there’s something there, and not only that but our boy Glenn gets himself some.

5.) Season 2, Episode 13, "Beside the Dying Fire"

Michonne is a total badass, uses zombies for pack mules, wields a katana as if she was one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and is the reason why the Governor wears an eye patch. This episode was her appearance, and what an entrance she made, even if it was to save that annoying as all hell Andrea.

And one more just to show some zombie love…

+1) Season 4, Episode 10, "Inmates"

This episode introduces us to Abraham, Eugene and Rosita, who I actually think are great additions to the cast, especially Rosita…meow.

Well there you have it, my top 5 favorite episodes (+1) of The Walking Dead so far, and I’m sure once season 5 ends my list will surely be extended.

MJM

“Monster Mingling”

I’ve had many crazy encounters throughout the course of my lifetime, but none of them as creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky, then I did when I went through my monster mingling phase.

Here are some of the experiences I had during this time, and I must be honest, they weren’t always my proudest moments.

I once hung out with…

The Wolfman, but he kept going after my bone and howling at my moon, and I was having no part of that because I didn’t swing that way.

Godzilla, but the bitch had a serious god complex, so I had to bounce before I went all King Kong on his ass.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon, but I couldn't trust him because he was one slippery fella.

A vampire, but as soon as I heard, "I want to suck..." I pulled down my pants and she got offended and flew away.

A robot, but he was no fun to watch TV with because I couldn’t use the remote control without his circuitry going all haywire and junk, and there was no way I was changing the channels manually so that didn’t last.

A Centaur, but not for long because certain appendages of his were intimidating and making me feel less of a man, and he refused to wear pants so I left.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but he kept dropping this hot and sticky white goo on me and I was freaking out because I couldn't tell if it was sweat or something else more disgusting.

Bigfoot, we used to go clubbing, but I got annoyed because he got all the chicks and all I kept hearing was, "you know what they say about men with big feet".

An alien, well more like abducted by an alien but you get the point, and I got thrown back as if I was an inadequate catch, they told me to take them to my leader and when I did they weren't impressed (stupid Obama)…I didn't even get an anal probing.

The Headless Horseman, but boy was he stingy, no matter what I said or did he wouldn’t give me any head.

A Minotaur, the dude was hornier than a dog in heat, every time I turned around the bastard was trying to steal a sip of my milkshake, and there was no way I was going to let him wreck my junk like a bull in a China shop.

Cookie Monster, the dude is an addict, and I don’t just mean with cookies because that’s just a front, that nut does more drugs than Courtney Love.

Medusa, but she kept accusing me of lying because I wouldn’t look her in the eye when we spoke, that and her stupid hair ate my hamsters.

Frankenstein, but the punk couldn’t take a joke; he got all offended just because I asked to rest my drink on the top of his head while I used the bolts on his neck to jump my car.

A politician, and honestly they were the scariest of all, constantly trying to beat me down mentally so that I would join their brain dead army and do their every bidding…I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “red and blue are coming for you!

So there you have it, my escapes with the things that go bump in the night, and as I told you prior they were not at all flattering and/or glamorous.

MJM

“If I Was a Superhero”

As a kid, after watching shows like Batman and Superman on TV I would pretend to be a superhero, needless to say I was very easily influenced, there was no “my kid in on the honor roll” bumper sticker on my mom’s car.

I wore my underwear over my pants, well let’s be honest here, I wore them over my mom’s old pantyhose that I was sporting at the time, and no I wasn’t a cross-dresser I was just trying to get into character.

I attempted to tie a towel around my neck as a cape but my head was too big, so I had to use a bed sheet instead.

The end result looked nothing like a cape and more like the train on a wedding dress, and so between that and the pantyhose, my parents got worried and sent me away to one of those camps for the confused and curious, all with the hopes of scaring me straight if you will.

Now some kids pretended to fly by jumping off of the couch, to me that was child’s play, because I used to jump off the roof.

For a split second it did really feel like I was flying, and crashing really hard, and truthfully I didn’t feel all that super while I was lying there on the ground crying out in pain with my legs twisted up underneath me like a pretzel.

When I grew up I was hoping to be a real life superhero, I dreamt of being someone like the Incredible Hulk or even Captain America, even if it did require a little exposure to gamma radiation or some time on ice.

However, in all reality I knew I would have ended up like Ralph Hinkley “The Greatest American Hero”, the Toxic Avenger or even more appropriately, Handi-Man “In Living Color.

I also knew if I did in fact become a superhero I wouldn't have a cool power like super speed or super strength, which come to think about it having those two powers together would scare the poop out of me when it came to masturbation…just saying.

I would have some lame power like the abilities of a can opener, or be able to shoot lasers beams out my anus, which I guess would come in handy when the doctor tried to stick his digits up my kiester while “checking” my prostrate.

I mean c’mon the bastard has been doing this since I was seven, you would think if there was something to be found up there he would have found it already.

I must admit though, it would be a really good thing if I didn't have the powers of invisibility and/or x-ray vision, because I can just imagine all the trouble I would get into and all those sexual harassment suits I would find myself in as a result of it.

And when it comes to my superhero costume it wouldn't be something cool; it would be just like the clothes I wore growing up, which consisted of hand me downs and “good finds” at the local thrift shop.

My outfits were made up of last year’s fashions and in very rough shape, shoes kept together by duct tape and crazy glue, need I say more.

My hideout wouldn’t be something cool like the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude, I would have a shopping cart and a cardboard box on the side of the road, and my secret headquarters would be the dumpster behind the 7-11, which I would be able to access just by moving the drunk homeless man who was passed out on the side of it.

My weakness would be rent; and other various bills, they would render me powerless and slapped with evictions and final notices.

I would kind of be like Wonder Woman, but instead of having an invisible jet, I would have invisible money that I paid them with to get them off my back.

My archenemies would be made up of “the Landlord”, “Mr. Bill Collector” and “some woman I had a one night stand with and impregnated who I was now trying to hide from”.

I would be so lame that I wouldn't have any fan pages of Facebook; I would have them on MySpace, there would be no thumbs up in my future, which is unless I was hitchhiking due to the jalopy (aka the Mele mobile) I was driving breaking down.

My ultimate goal was to be a superhero, but unfortunately with life, and my luck, I became a superzero instead of a superhero.

MJM

“Optimus Prime and Little Girls”

Oh boy do I have a treat for you cyberpeeps, my good friend, and fellow kickass nerd Ruth (otakubookworm0) is here. She’s about to lay the smack down on Hollywood because of how they portray female characters in their movies…this is going to be good! So sit back and relax and get to reading people, trust me you won’t be disappointed. And when you’re all done, go show her some love on her Facebook page (facebook.com/ruth.garcia23).

MJM

Hi, y'all. My name's Ruth and I'm here to talk about things we all hate: Michael Bay movies and what's wrong with the world today...but wait! It's not what you think.

So my husband and I went to see Transformers last night. I was super excited to see a couple with a little girl next to us; the girl looked about 6 or 7 years old. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing girls get excited about robots and cars and "boy stuff", so I was giving that couple some mad props (in my mind, of course, who wants some random weirdo congratulating them on badass parenting at the theater?).

The movie fires up, and my brain turns into dormant mush for ~3 hours from the overload of sexy cars, explosions, slo-mo,"witty banter" and OMG Optimus Prime, but a few things stuck out to me, even in my passive state.

I loved the movie. I became a kid again, and gasped and cheered and smiled and got my $12 worth from my slice of Hollywood. BUT!!! there were a number of things I found downright not okay with this film.

After the movie was over, I dragged out my soap box and dusted it off, tossed some ideas around with my husband, and called up the indomitable MJM to see if he'd let me bend your internet ears for a few (more) paragraphs (I'm not what I'd consider a feminist, or an alarmist of any kind, so I won't be using subjective words like "moral corruption" or "outrage", just so you know).

Annnnnd, without further ado or nonsense, here's my 5 cents. Mild spoilers for Transformers: Age of Extinction below, if it's possible to spoil a movie such as this.

The daughter character was absolutely everything wrong with young girl characters. Yeah so she's wearing short shorts, and whining at her dad, but why is she so WIMPY? She's been waiting for someone to save her, her whole life? Except when it comes to choosing a boyfriend her dad will hate, and supporting said boyfriend in two (only two in a three hour movie!) clinch moments. She takes damsel in distress straight back to Super Mario's Princess Peach. Except when she's defying her own survival to argue with her dad while swinging on a cable 50 stories above ground.

Way to show our little 7 year old what real girls can be like in a crisis.

There was a samurai Transformer this time. 'Nuff said. At least Ken Watanabe voiced him. Why do all the Chinese people mysteriously know martial arts? (My husband brought this up, and I agree.) Although, the secretary's badassery went a long way towards making up for the awful and insipid daughter.

Mark Wahlberg's character repeatedly called the Irish boyfriend "Lucky Charms". Not funny. Especially since Markie Mark's character is from Texas, where hey, I guess it's okay to use casual racial slurs as humor. Par for the course, along with his terrible parenting skills.

His character also uses 'bitch' as an insult, a number of times. E.g. "You're not gonna bitch out on me, are you?" While I get we're trying to prove that this guy's balls are the size of his home state, can't we use a slightly more gender neutral insult? It's 2014. Bitches can (and do!) kick ass, and I don't just mean the female dogs.

What did our 7 year old girl go home thinking about, when the movie was over? F@$*ing OPTIMUS PRIME RIDING A FIREBREATHING TREX ROBOT. But besides that... That it's okay for her to graduate high school and lie to her dad about dating when he told her not to date? That she doesn't have to be smart, just let someone else save her? That her dad can insult that same boyfriend as long as they both laugh?

There are a hundred other things that I "lovingly" picked apart with my Transformer fan friends, but these things stuck out to me as the type of things we shouldn't be seeing in movies today, especially movies that we want to take our kids to. If we want to make our culture better, we need to get rid of the thinking and attitudes that make these slurs and insults commonplace. Noticing them, and making sure we don't just wave them off as "oh it's just a movie" can go a long way. We need to be better than this as Americans, and as humans. What does the world think of us when this junk gets screened around the world? It shames me, when I think of it. We should speak up about it. Change the way we talk and the assumptions we make. Maybe when art imitates life, next time, we can get something a little better for our 7 year old.

And once in a while, can we get a heroine in a summer blockbuster who makes smart choices while wearing chic clothing? The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If you made it to the bottom of this post, you're a champ. Thanks for reading my rant, and I hope I have inspired you, just a little, to challenge the status quo in your own life and thinking. And if you feel my ideas are too oldfashioned or nonsensical? Sorry, but...get off my lawn before this bitch delivers an oldfashioned ass kickin'!

Ruth

For more on Mr. Ken Watanabe click here.