“Monster Mingling”

I’ve had many crazy encounters throughout the course of my lifetime, but none of them as creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky, then I did when I went through my monster mingling phase.

Here are some of the experiences I had during this time, and I must be honest, they weren’t always my proudest moments.

I once hung out with…

The Wolfman, but he kept going after my bone and howling at my moon, and I was having no part of that because I didn’t swing that way.

Godzilla, but the bitch had a serious god complex, so I had to bounce before I went all King Kong on his ass.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon, but I couldn't trust him because he was one slippery fella.

A vampire, but as soon as I heard, "I want to suck..." I pulled down my pants and she got offended and flew away.

A robot, but he was no fun to watch TV with because I couldn’t use the remote control without his circuitry going all haywire and junk, and there was no way I was changing the channels manually so that didn’t last.

A Centaur, but not for long because certain appendages of his were intimidating and making me feel less of a man, and he refused to wear pants so I left.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but he kept dropping this hot and sticky white goo on me and I was freaking out because I couldn't tell if it was sweat or something else more disgusting.

Bigfoot, we used to go clubbing, but I got annoyed because he got all the chicks and all I kept hearing was, "you know what they say about men with big feet".

An alien, well more like abducted by an alien but you get the point, and I got thrown back as if I was an inadequate catch, they told me to take them to my leader and when I did they weren't impressed (stupid Obama)…I didn't even get an anal probing.

The Headless Horseman, but boy was he stingy, no matter what I said or did he wouldn’t give me any head.

A Minotaur, the dude was hornier than a dog in heat, every time I turned around the bastard was trying to steal a sip of my milkshake, and there was no way I was going to let him wreck my junk like a bull in a China shop.

Cookie Monster, the dude is an addict, and I don’t just mean with cookies because that’s just a front, that nut does more drugs than Courtney Love.

Medusa, but she kept accusing me of lying because I wouldn’t look her in the eye when we spoke, that and her stupid hair ate my hamsters.

Frankenstein, but the punk couldn’t take a joke; he got all offended just because I asked to rest my drink on the top of his head while I used the bolts on his neck to jump my car.

A politician, and honestly they were the scariest of all, constantly trying to beat me down mentally so that I would join their brain dead army and do their every bidding…I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “red and blue are coming for you!

So there you have it, my escapes with the things that go bump in the night, and as I told you prior they were not at all flattering and/or glamorous.

MJM

“If I Was a Superhero”

As a kid, after watching shows like Batman and Superman on TV I would pretend to be a superhero, needless to say I was very easily influenced, there was no “my kid in on the honor roll” bumper sticker on my mom’s car.

I wore my underwear over my pants, well let’s be honest here, I wore them over my mom’s old pantyhose that I was sporting at the time, and no I wasn’t a cross-dresser I was just trying to get into character.

I attempted to tie a towel around my neck as a cape but my head was too big, so I had to use a bed sheet instead.

The end result looked nothing like a cape and more like the train on a wedding dress, and so between that and the pantyhose, my parents got worried and sent me away to one of those camps for the confused and curious, all with the hopes of scaring me straight if you will.

Now some kids pretended to fly by jumping off of the couch, to me that was child’s play, because I used to jump off the roof.

For a split second it did really feel like I was flying, and crashing really hard, and truthfully I didn’t feel all that super while I was lying there on the ground crying out in pain with my legs twisted up underneath me like a pretzel.

When I grew up I was hoping to be a real life superhero, I dreamt of being someone like the Incredible Hulk or even Captain America, even if it did require a little exposure to gamma radiation or some time on ice.

However, in all reality I knew I would have ended up like Ralph Hinkley “The Greatest American Hero”, the Toxic Avenger or even more appropriately, Handi-Man “In Living Color.

I also knew if I did in fact become a superhero I wouldn't have a cool power like super speed or super strength, which come to think about it having those two powers together would scare the poop out of me when it came to masturbation…just saying.

I would have some lame power like the abilities of a can opener, or be able to shoot lasers beams out my anus, which I guess would come in handy when the doctor tried to stick his digits up my kiester while “checking” my prostrate.

I mean c’mon the bastard has been doing this since I was seven, you would think if there was something to be found up there he would have found it already.

I must admit though, it would be a really good thing if I didn't have the powers of invisibility and/or x-ray vision, because I can just imagine all the trouble I would get into and all those sexual harassment suits I would find myself in as a result of it.

And when it comes to my superhero costume it wouldn't be something cool; it would be just like the clothes I wore growing up, which consisted of hand me downs and “good finds” at the local thrift shop.

My outfits were made up of last year’s fashions and in very rough shape, shoes kept together by duct tape and crazy glue, need I say more.

My hideout wouldn’t be something cool like the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude, I would have a shopping cart and a cardboard box on the side of the road, and my secret headquarters would be the dumpster behind the 7-11, which I would be able to access just by moving the drunk homeless man who was passed out on the side of it.

My weakness would be rent; and other various bills, they would render me powerless and slapped with evictions and final notices.

I would kind of be like Wonder Woman, but instead of having an invisible jet, I would have invisible money that I paid them with to get them off my back.

My archenemies would be made up of “the Landlord”, “Mr. Bill Collector” and “some woman I had a one night stand with and impregnated who I was now trying to hide from”.

I would be so lame that I wouldn't have any fan pages of Facebook; I would have them on MySpace, there would be no thumbs up in my future, which is unless I was hitchhiking due to the jalopy (aka the Mele mobile) I was driving breaking down.

My ultimate goal was to be a superhero, but unfortunately with life, and my luck, I became a superzero instead of a superhero.

MJM

“Optimus Prime and Little Girls”

Oh boy do I have a treat for you cyberpeeps, my good friend, and fellow kickass nerd Ruth (otakubookworm0) is here. She’s about to lay the smack down on Hollywood because of how they portray female characters in their movies…this is going to be good! So sit back and relax and get to reading people, trust me you won’t be disappointed. And when you’re all done, go show her some love on her Facebook page (facebook.com/ruth.garcia23).

MJM

Hi, y'all. My name's Ruth and I'm here to talk about things we all hate: Michael Bay movies and what's wrong with the world today...but wait! It's not what you think.

So my husband and I went to see Transformers last night. I was super excited to see a couple with a little girl next to us; the girl looked about 6 or 7 years old. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing girls get excited about robots and cars and "boy stuff", so I was giving that couple some mad props (in my mind, of course, who wants some random weirdo congratulating them on badass parenting at the theater?).

The movie fires up, and my brain turns into dormant mush for ~3 hours from the overload of sexy cars, explosions, slo-mo,"witty banter" and OMG Optimus Prime, but a few things stuck out to me, even in my passive state.

I loved the movie. I became a kid again, and gasped and cheered and smiled and got my $12 worth from my slice of Hollywood. BUT!!! there were a number of things I found downright not okay with this film.

After the movie was over, I dragged out my soap box and dusted it off, tossed some ideas around with my husband, and called up the indomitable MJM to see if he'd let me bend your internet ears for a few (more) paragraphs (I'm not what I'd consider a feminist, or an alarmist of any kind, so I won't be using subjective words like "moral corruption" or "outrage", just so you know).

Annnnnd, without further ado or nonsense, here's my 5 cents. Mild spoilers for Transformers: Age of Extinction below, if it's possible to spoil a movie such as this.

The daughter character was absolutely everything wrong with young girl characters. Yeah so she's wearing short shorts, and whining at her dad, but why is she so WIMPY? She's been waiting for someone to save her, her whole life? Except when it comes to choosing a boyfriend her dad will hate, and supporting said boyfriend in two (only two in a three hour movie!) clinch moments. She takes damsel in distress straight back to Super Mario's Princess Peach. Except when she's defying her own survival to argue with her dad while swinging on a cable 50 stories above ground.

Way to show our little 7 year old what real girls can be like in a crisis.

There was a samurai Transformer this time. 'Nuff said. At least Ken Watanabe voiced him. Why do all the Chinese people mysteriously know martial arts? (My husband brought this up, and I agree.) Although, the secretary's badassery went a long way towards making up for the awful and insipid daughter.

Mark Wahlberg's character repeatedly called the Irish boyfriend "Lucky Charms". Not funny. Especially since Markie Mark's character is from Texas, where hey, I guess it's okay to use casual racial slurs as humor. Par for the course, along with his terrible parenting skills.

His character also uses 'bitch' as an insult, a number of times. E.g. "You're not gonna bitch out on me, are you?" While I get we're trying to prove that this guy's balls are the size of his home state, can't we use a slightly more gender neutral insult? It's 2014. Bitches can (and do!) kick ass, and I don't just mean the female dogs.

What did our 7 year old girl go home thinking about, when the movie was over? F@$*ing OPTIMUS PRIME RIDING A FIREBREATHING TREX ROBOT. But besides that... That it's okay for her to graduate high school and lie to her dad about dating when he told her not to date? That she doesn't have to be smart, just let someone else save her? That her dad can insult that same boyfriend as long as they both laugh?

There are a hundred other things that I "lovingly" picked apart with my Transformer fan friends, but these things stuck out to me as the type of things we shouldn't be seeing in movies today, especially movies that we want to take our kids to. If we want to make our culture better, we need to get rid of the thinking and attitudes that make these slurs and insults commonplace. Noticing them, and making sure we don't just wave them off as "oh it's just a movie" can go a long way. We need to be better than this as Americans, and as humans. What does the world think of us when this junk gets screened around the world? It shames me, when I think of it. We should speak up about it. Change the way we talk and the assumptions we make. Maybe when art imitates life, next time, we can get something a little better for our 7 year old.

And once in a while, can we get a heroine in a summer blockbuster who makes smart choices while wearing chic clothing? The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If you made it to the bottom of this post, you're a champ. Thanks for reading my rant, and I hope I have inspired you, just a little, to challenge the status quo in your own life and thinking. And if you feel my ideas are too oldfashioned or nonsensical? Sorry, but...get off my lawn before this bitch delivers an oldfashioned ass kickin'!

Ruth

For more on Mr. Ken Watanabe click here.

“Evil Genius”

If I was an evil genius, hell-bent on taking over the world, what would I do?

I would find myself a bunch of trained monkeys to my bidding, and I would call them Republicrats, just to piss off both sides and to show them how ridiculous they all look.

I would make it illegal for heterosexual couples to marry, only because I don’t want them ruining the sanctity of marriage in my new world, homosexuals okay but anyone else no way.

I would allow all pets to keep their junk intact, while instead spaying and neutering all people dumb enough to align themselves with one political party or another, because who the hell wants stupid people voting on who the next person to run our country will be…does the name Obama ring a bell.

I would have the penalty for all crimes committed to be death, regardless of what it is; if you do something wrong on my watch you’re ending up in the electric chair or covered in sugar glaze and dropped in a pit full of hungry fat people.

I would make it legal to smack the shit out of idiots, one smack for every idiotic word and/or action they said/made, I know this may sound cruel and unusual, but trust me it will really make people think before they speak and/or act.

I would have a police force dedicated to the fashion betterment of the world’s people as a whole, they would make sure that people aren't wearing sunglasses indoors, bomb belts under their robes and/or sagging their pants in public.

I would make it where every bedroom in every house had to be occupied, there would be no such thing as a “guest bedroom”, so if you happen to have an extra bedroom you either move in a family member you can tolerate or adopt a homeless person.

I would make the woman’s body her business, and any man and/or organization that attempted to dictate to her how she should live and/or treat it will get their balls clipped and made into earrings for said woman/women.

I would make all drugs legal, but only in certain places like Florida, Utah and Washington D.C., because that way if you wanted to do them you would have to move to one of those specified areas (and stay in one of those areas)…and honestly if you’ve ever been to one of these areas you would know that this wouldn’t make much of a difference.

I would make get rid of all thongs, men and women’s both, because there is no way that crap is comfortable and/or healthy for you cheeks, and there is no way to convince me otherwise.

I would implement a mandatory pay cut to all celebrities, professional athletes and anyone else making an exuberant amount of money for basically doing nothing, and give the extra money to the people who truly deserve it like our teachers, police/fire and of course the military, and if those people have a problem with the pay cut they could always go work fastfood and/or bag groceries.

I would introduce anyone to the backside of my hand who waited for a specific day (i.e. Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, etc.) to show others just how much they mean to us and our country.

Well there you have it, things I would do to win over the masses and allow me to rule with an iron fist…it feels so good to be so bad.

MJM

“Less QQ, More Pew Pew”

Campers, snipers, run-and-gunners, these are not new marshmallows in Lucky Charms, but rather playing styles in online multiplayer games such as Call of Duty, Halo and Battlefield.

These games aren’t easy by any means, especially for those of us who don’t have the opportunity, or desire, to devote every waking moment of our lives playing them and mastering them.

There are also a lot of kids, oh God I hope they’re kids, who make this online world sound like a disgruntled trucker’s convention, who all have been sucking on helium balloons and have an unhealthy obsession with everyone’s mother.

However, all things considered these games are actually a lot of fun, of course not the best video game you’ll ever play, but nevertheless still an enjoyable experience and one that you should partake in at least once before you leave this miserable mud ball we call a planet if you call yourself a gamer.

For the record, the actual gameplay is not why I recommend playing games like these, but more so because the people playing them are frigging hilarious to listen to.

The things people say when playing online multiplayer games, especially when losing, is pure ear gold, it’s as if someone left the door open to the insane asylum and equipped all the inmates with microphones.

They freak the freak out like nobody’s business; they get all worked up like Al Sharpton does when he sees an opportunity to get into the spotlight, it’s freaking fantastic to say the least.

The audible equivalent of Jerry Springer, mixed with a little bit of those playground antics from back in the day, you hear such pearls of wisdom as, “your face” and “I hope you die in a fiery car crash”, nerd rage at its finest.

Cyberspace is full of a bunch of racist bastards who all seem to suffer from Tourette's, whose soul purpose is to completely annoy the living, it’s like night of the living teabaggers out there.

So come for the game and stay for the show, trust me all the deranged fun you’ll have will make it very much worth getting your ass pwned and being called a noob so much that you actually start thinking it’s your name.

MJM

“Super Freaky”

Would you do, and by do I mean get it on like Donkey Kong, a superhero and/or supervillain if you had the opportunity?

Now of course we’re just talking about getting busy with these heroes/villains, because we all know the majority of them are not relationship material, and not just because of their job, but because most of them are whiny little bitches and have more drama in their lives than a daytime soap opera. 

When they are not out saving the world, or trying to take it over, they are looking to get their freak on just like any other individual with their junk intact, or not suffering from a “debilitating headache” **cough** women **cough** would.

There are the obvious few that just about everyone and their mother would bang, for example Superman, Catwoman and even Aquaman, that is if you don’t mind a man who smells like fish…what a switch that would be, am I right guys. *raises hand for a high-five and gets no love*

However, what about the crazy mutated bastards, those who are considered super due to their special gifts but aren’t necessarily someone who you would see in the pages of People’s hottest man/woman alive issue, super powers but not super looks.

Would you be okay with Killer Croc going down South on you, getting a handjob by Lady Deathstrike or even letting the Incredible, and I emphasize the word incredible, Hulk give it to you, that monstrosity (you know, the beast that’s hiding inside those purple shorts) would destroy any orifice it attempted to penetrate…think about it people, if the muscles grow like that what do you think happens with the rest of the body parts.

I’m sure there are some freaky superhero/supervillain groupies out there who have a fetish for that kind of thing, but I would say for the most part, it’s few and far between, but then again what do I know I never thought defecating on someone would be consider hot but to some it’s all the rage.

You also have those everyday average Joes and Joans who get no love because either their powers suck or they just look like someone you would see on a show on the FX network, nothing all that special if you catch my drift.

Although thinking about it, consider all the new positions and things you could try being with someone like the Green Lantern (imagine of all the fun you could have with that ring), the tiny superheroine known as Wasp or even the super stretchy Mr. Fantastic who’s guaranteed to meet any woman’s manhood requirements if you know what I mean.

For obvious reasons I wouldn’t recommend wasting your time with the Flash, things would be over before they even got started, not only that but with things moving that fast you’re sure to see chafing in areas you that really wouldn’t want to.

Who knows, maybe there is something to being with those less than desirable types, and for the record when I say “less than desirable types” I’m not talking about those crazy mutated bastards like I mentioned prior, no Hellboy and/or one of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me, I don’t want those funky looking mofos anywhere near me regardless of what special ability they could bring to the bedroom.

Side note, when one does the deed with one of the bat folk (Batman, Robin or Batgirl) do you think those “fighting bubbles” pop up like in the old television show, you know like blam, pow and bang?

MJM

“Freaky Frankenstein”

Now in real life I have a hard enough time scoring with a blow up doll, let alone a real chick, and a hot one at that, but just for this piece I am traveling to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, think of me as Mister Rogers jacked up on Viagra, so now just sit right back as if you were Gilligan and you'll hear a tale of morbid perversion and the things that wet dreams (or nightmares depending on how you look at it) are made of.

It’s the end of the world as you know it, you are the sole survivor, and all you have is the clothes on your back and a book by the one and only Dr. Frankenstein simply titled, “Building Your Perfect Companion”.

A bomb went off that left everyone literally “resting in pieces”, body parts are scattered everywhere and they are ripe for the picking, you have the perfect opportunity to create your dream girl/guy without any restraints and/or criticism from others, so have at it.

Celebrity, athlete or just some hot person you knew in your everyday life before shit went down, no one is off limits and everything is up for grabs, think of it like a smorgasbord of body parts and you’re building a meal that will leave your taste buds in ecstasy.

Me personally I’m an everything man, if it’s part of a woman I’m loving it, just like McDonald’s baby, I know some men (and lesbians) say they are an ass person, a breast person, etc., well I say screw all that noise I love it all.

I was thinking I would go with Beyonce’s lower half for my sexy monster, for obvious reasons, but then I remembered that she’s been with Jay Z, and with me being so white that I’m almost transparent I knew I would have little to no chance of pleasing her as a result of that, so I decided against it…even after the apocalypse a man has to worry about his performance people.

My next choice was the lower half of Jennifer Lopez, who we all know has some really nice assets (huh huh), this chick was the reason God created legs and asses, not trying to sound sacrilegious here, just stating the truth.  

Now for the torso, and my choice would be the ever so voluptuous Kat Dennings, who might I add has some of the most beautiful silicone weapons of mass distraction I have ever seen, and J Lo’s dancer legs would have absolutely no problem holding those massive melons up.

Finally for the head, whose head would I be okay with looking at for the rest of my days, and my choice would be the hat rack of Michelle Pfeiffer, I mean the chick still looks hot after all these years, and that’s what you would want a dome that ages well.

Of course my freaky Frankenstein would need to get a tan to complete the package, but besides that, she would be ready to go and a nice piece of manmade arm candy.

Okay, your turn, whose body parts would you use to build your perfect beast?

MJM