“If I Was a Superhero”

As a kid, after watching shows like Batman and Superman on TV I would pretend to be a superhero, needless to say I was very easily influenced, there was no “my kid in on the honor roll” bumper sticker on my mom’s car.

I wore my underwear over my pants, well let’s be honest here, I wore them over my mom’s old pantyhose that I was sporting at the time, and no I wasn’t a cross-dresser I was just trying to get into character.

I attempted to tie a towel around my neck as a cape but my head was too big, so I had to use a bed sheet instead.

The end result looked nothing like a cape and more like the train on a wedding dress, and so between that and the pantyhose, my parents got worried and sent me away to one of those camps for the confused and curious, all with the hopes of scaring me straight if you will.

Now some kids pretended to fly by jumping off of the couch, to me that was child’s play, because I used to jump off the roof.

For a split second it did really feel like I was flying, and crashing really hard, and truthfully I didn’t feel all that super while I was lying there on the ground crying out in pain with my legs twisted up underneath me like a pretzel.

When I grew up I was hoping to be a real life superhero, I dreamt of being someone like the Incredible Hulk or even Captain America, even if it did require a little exposure to gamma radiation or some time on ice.

However, in all reality I knew I would have ended up like Ralph Hinkley “The Greatest American Hero”, the Toxic Avenger or even more appropriately, Handi-Man “In Living Color.

I also knew if I did in fact become a superhero I wouldn't have a cool power like super speed or super strength, which come to think about it having those two powers together would scare the poop out of me when it came to masturbation…just saying.

I would have some lame power like the abilities of a can opener, or be able to shoot lasers beams out my anus, which I guess would come in handy when the doctor tried to stick his digits up my kiester while “checking” my prostrate.

I mean c’mon the bastard has been doing this since I was seven, you would think if there was something to be found up there he would have found it already.

I must admit though, it would be a really good thing if I didn't have the powers of invisibility and/or x-ray vision, because I can just imagine all the trouble I would get into and all those sexual harassment suits I would find myself in as a result of it.

And when it comes to my superhero costume it wouldn't be something cool; it would be just like the clothes I wore growing up, which consisted of hand me downs and “good finds” at the local thrift shop.

My outfits were made up of last year’s fashions and in very rough shape, shoes kept together by duct tape and crazy glue, need I say more.

My hideout wouldn’t be something cool like the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude, I would have a shopping cart and a cardboard box on the side of the road, and my secret headquarters would be the dumpster behind the 7-11, which I would be able to access just by moving the drunk homeless man who was passed out on the side of it.

My weakness would be rent; and other various bills, they would render me powerless and slapped with evictions and final notices.

I would kind of be like Wonder Woman, but instead of having an invisible jet, I would have invisible money that I paid them with to get them off my back.

My archenemies would be made up of “the Landlord”, “Mr. Bill Collector” and “some woman I had a one night stand with and impregnated who I was now trying to hide from”.

I would be so lame that I wouldn't have any fan pages of Facebook; I would have them on MySpace, there would be no thumbs up in my future, which is unless I was hitchhiking due to the jalopy (aka the Mele mobile) I was driving breaking down.

My ultimate goal was to be a superhero, but unfortunately with life, and my luck, I became a superzero instead of a superhero.

MJM