I’ve had
many crazy encounters throughout the course of my lifetime, but none of them as
creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky, then I did when
I went through my monster mingling phase.
Here are
some of the experiences I had during this time, and I must be honest, they
weren’t always my proudest moments.
I once hung
out with…
The Wolfman,
but he kept going after my bone and howling at my moon, and I was having no
part of that because I didn’t swing that way.
Godzilla,
but the bitch had a serious god complex, so I had to bounce before I went all
King Kong on his ass.
The Creature
from the Black Lagoon, but I couldn't trust him because he was one slippery
fella.
A vampire,
but as soon as I heard, "I want to suck..." I pulled down my pants
and she got offended and flew away.
A robot,
but he was no fun to watch TV with because I couldn’t use the remote control
without his circuitry going all haywire and junk, and there was no way I was
changing the channels manually so that didn’t last.
A Centaur,
but not for long because certain appendages of his were intimidating and making
me feel less of a man, and he refused to wear pants so I left.
Stay Puft
Marshmallow Man, but he kept dropping this hot and sticky white goo on me and I
was freaking out because I couldn't tell if it was sweat or something else more
disgusting.
Bigfoot, we
used to go clubbing, but I got annoyed because he got all the chicks and all I
kept hearing was, "you know what they say about men with big feet".
An alien,
well more like abducted by an alien but you get the point, and I got thrown
back as if I was an inadequate catch, they told me to take them to my leader
and when I did they weren't impressed (stupid Obama)…I didn't even get an anal
probing.
The
Headless Horseman, but boy was he stingy, no matter what I said or did he
wouldn’t give me any head.
A Minotaur,
the dude was hornier than a dog in heat, every time I turned around the bastard
was trying to steal a sip of my milkshake, and there was no way I was going to
let him wreck my junk like a bull in a China shop.
Cookie
Monster, the dude is an addict, and I don’t just mean with cookies because that’s
just a front, that nut does more drugs than Courtney Love.
Medusa, but
she kept accusing me of lying because I wouldn’t look her in the eye when we
spoke, that and her stupid hair ate my hamsters.
Frankenstein,
but the punk couldn’t take a joke; he got all offended just because I asked to
rest my drink on the top of his head while I used the bolts on his neck to jump
my car.
A
politician, and honestly they were the scariest of all, constantly trying to
beat me down mentally so that I would join their brain dead army and do their
every bidding…I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “red and
blue are coming for you!
So there
you have it, my escapes with the things that go bump in the night, and as I
told you prior they were not at all flattering and/or glamorous.
